These Offspring

 The heat index that day was 107 degrees.  I grabbed the kids and my camera and traveled out to the back of Mom and Dad's property.  We were sizzling. It was hot.  Very hot.  That's all I can remember as I look back at these pictures. That, and the fact that I love these offspring of mine; so much that it scares me at times.  August, 2020.

Texas July 25

It was kind of on a whim, but late Saturday afternoon I got the hankering to run over to Granbury.  It's a beautiful little town with all kinds of fun shops and places to explore.  It's about a forty minute drive, and Evelyn and Lilly decided to tag along.  Let me just say, it was HOT.  But when we got to the town square, we saw a street performer dressed like a Spartan with flowing golden robes and a wreath on his head, and he was playing the saxophone!!  For one brief minute, I forgot how hot I was and just watched and listened to him play with such gusto.  I'm mad that I didn't get a picture, because he was fabulous!! 

We had to wear our masks inside a few stores, but being an extremely RED state and even redder town (i.e. conservative republican) many places scoffed at the mask thing and not only didn't make you wear a mask, but insisted that you NOT wear a mask.  Especially in the Trump store.  I'll say that Texas is a Trump loving place and if you don't care for Trump, it's best that you stay away.  It's borderline creepy how many billboards there are, and I'm not even talking about election billboards.  Nothing normal that says "Trump/Pence 2020." No, I'm talking full on, "God bless Donald Trump" or "Trump will save us" signs everywhere.  It's crazy!  

We grabbed ice cream in the little candy store, and eating it outside, it melted faster than we could eat it. We then stopped in this lovely bookstore and even though I was trying not to spend a lot of money that day (Yeah, why go to Granbury when you're trying to be frugal? Because I have an enormous tuition payment due this month) I let Ethan and Devin each buy a book. Ethan bought a novel called "Hush" and Devin bought a book all about D-Day.  That history and science loving kid's latest obsession is Omaha Beach, and he's already read more than half of it.  Before we headed home, we ate dinner in a little place called The Pit Stop.  Even though it was a Saturday night, the square was pretty empty and we didn't have to wait for a table.  It was eerie! A normal Saturday night on the square is sure to be busy.  I guess I should thank COVID?  That sounds kind of wrong, but thank you COVID. 

I have to mention that we spent many late nights watching "Community" which is streaming on Netflix.  That show is ridiculously funny, and even funnier when watching it with Philip.

Jeff: Troy sneezes like a girl!

Troy: Oh yeah? And I'm gonna pound you like a boy! (Wait, that didn't come out right...)

Texas July 21-24

Tuesday was our first full day there.  I didn't sleep much at all, which didn't surprise me because of the room I was in.  I had the option of sleeping in another room, but I felt I needed to face that monster.  To be honest, I didn't sleep much at all in the three weeks I slept in that bed, because my mind kept messing with me.  But I fought through it, and I guess I slept enough.  

Tuesday morning I needed to work off some of the steam that was building in me.  Unlike Utah (when we left...we do now), Texas had a state order making masks mandatory in all public places. Yup, it even applied to the gym.  Okay, no big deal.  I'd abide by their rules and follow them if I wanted to be there.  And I complied...as best as a severe asthmatic can.  Even on the treadmill, I did my best.  I'll not go into many details because rehashing it makes me angry.  Apparently, I wasn't wearing my mask perfectly over the bridge of my nose and this meat-head manager was circling the gym like a shark in water.  He kept eyeing me and each time we made eye contact, I'd tighten my mask on the bridge of my nose again.  I knew exactly what he was looking at.  After an unfortunate run-in with him and after explaining my asthma and that my immunologist has told me NOT to wear a mask unless absolutely necessary, he did't give a crap.  I WAS wearing the mask.  But I guess I wasn't wearing it to his asinine standards, but more likely, he had a giant stick up his ass.  I was wheezing and gasping for air under the mask as I was talking to him, and that's when he kicked me out.  Yup, just kicked me out because I was "being difficult." I walked out, ripped the mask from my face, and stood against the building for several minutes in the 103 degree air as I tried to find my breath again before driving home.  

Masks are changing our humanity.

Let me say that louder for those in the back of the room:

MASKS ARE CHANGING OUR HUMANITY.

The next day, I went back.  Walked right in, looked the same meat-head in the eye, and put my mask on.  Little did the meat-head realize that I'd removed the vents, leaving holes.  But even with that ventilation, I couldn't run with the damn thing on so I resigned myself to not exercising the whole time I was in Texas.  Luckily, my sister has a membership to the Y and had a guest pass and they have far more brain cells than Planet Fitness people, and they said, "To hell with the state order.  Our patrons don't have to wear masks while EXERCISING because we know it's dangerous for many of them." Oops. I hope I didn't just get them in trouble.  (I'm so over this entire thing and fully believe it's being driven from an extremely shady agenda.)  So for the rest of my stay, I gladly exercised at the Y. 

I left the Y on Thursday and took a detour through Cleburne, which is the town where my grandparents lived.  I love Cleburne and if we were to ever move back to Texas (we won't) I'd live in that quaint town.  It's the Johnson County Seat and as with every county seat in Texas, there's an ornate courthouse in the town square.  The kids and I made a habit of pointing out the courthouses each time we drove through a town with one.  

The next couple of days were spent pretty low-key.  Mom hasn't been able to do much because of health issues, so it allowed us ample time to sit around and watch a lot of movies and eat a LOT of ice cream and do a lot of swimming, which is mostly all we did those first few days.  Hailey gave Bear dog a bath, but not even five minutes later Bear dog went for a swim in the pond and came back in reeking of pond water.  Philip, the bee keeper, had about a million frames of comb ready to harvest, and it was pretty dang satisfying watching the process.  There were gallons of fresh honey (literally gallons), and I don't know how we will go back to eating store-bought honey once our stash is out! There's nothing like honey fresh from the comb.

Driving back from town, I had to stop and snap a picture of these beautiful longhorns.

I love TEXAS!!!!

 

Texas 2020- Getting There

It's taken me weeks to get to a point where I could write these words.  The last time I wrote about "Getting There," was the last time I'd ever write a word in our old life.  I remember specifically sitting on the porch swing with my laptop as my children swam.  We'd been there less than a day. I was mere feet away from them and I was deliberate in every word I wrote; trying to perfectly describe the tranquility I felt in that moment.  Garrett sat next to me, wanting to sneak a finger to my keyboard every now and then when I glanced up to watch the other kids.  He sat next to me as my shadow, like he always did.  Life was, in that moment, close to perfect.  I wrote about our adventure driving the 1,200 miles with Gov.  I wrote about the beautiful desert rainstorm we passed through in New Mexico.  I wrote about the sadness I felt at pulling into the driveway, because the trip had been so pleasant and I hated for it to be over, but how I looked forward to the fun the next two weeks held in store for us.

Three hours later from the time I wrote those words, I found Garrett face down in the swimming pool and right then, time was divided in two.  Our lives, from that second on, would be forever categorized as "before" and "after."

It took five years to finally go back and face the Jabberwocky that haunted our dreams.  Last year, we flew on an airplane.  We hadn't flown since 2009 when at least two of our kids were still young enough to fly for free.  After that, it became too expensive so we began driving each year. But last year being our first year back, it made sense to make the trip as easy as possible. This year, six years out, I wanted to rip off that next band-aid and face the very highways and interstates that took us to that fateful summer.  So here I go, finally gaining the courage to chronicle our Texas summer in the same manner I used to.  Only this time, there's a certain kind of heaviness and awareness in my heart that wasn't there last time.  I'll do my best to write about the wonderful things that happened, and not focus on the perpetual pit that lives in my soul.  Because for all intents and purposes, this trip was wonderful.

Philip was good enough to fly up and make the drive down.  In years past, it was always Gov (my dad) who flew up, drove down with us, and then Cody would at some point fly down there and when our trip came to an end, we'd all drive back together.  We had a system, and it worked well.  But Dad has gotten up there in years and making that trip is quite difficult for him.  The baton has been passed to Philip, who just so happens to be one of the kids' favorite (if not THE favorite) person in the world.  Okay okay, maybe he's one of my favorites, too.  He definitely puts the "fun" in funcle.  He flew into town on Saturday afternoon, and I debated as to when we would hit the road for Texas. Maybe Sunday, maybe Monday. Dunno.  Truth be told, I was a terrified mess and my demons were loud; screaming, spewing, angry, and all-consuming. I couldn't even bring myself to pack, for the last time I packed for that very road trip, I would not be bringing back one of my children alive.  

Even though I knew Cody was feeling all of it and more, he was fantastic to talk me down from that proverbial ledge more than once.  I finished packing, took an extra sleeping pill, and decided to try and get some rest before the trek the next day.  During the night, I made the decision that I was truly not ready to drive our regular route.  I wasn't ready to face the same roads that took us there before so the next day, we made our way not south through New Mexico, but east through Wyoming and then south through Colorado.  Yeah, it was going to take longer, but for the sake of my mind and heart, I needed to do what was best for my sanity.

We were off.  And as always, Philip did a superb job of distracting all of us with stories, silly voices and characters, and so much laughing that our sides hurt.  We made it to Bloomington, Colorado and called it a night.  We checked into the motel, and I went back out to find some dinner in that tiny town that was already asleep.  McDonald's it was, and I brought it back to our rooms and smelled nasty fast food remnants for the rest of the night.  Devin slept in the bed beside me and although I drugged myself, my adrenaline wouldn't turn off.  Visions crept in time and again and I recalled with perfect clarity, sleeping in a hotel room in Albuquerque with my two youngest boys on the night before we pulled into my parents' driveway.  I remember holding Garrett close against me as he slept and I breathed in the sent of his freshly washed hair.  Lying in bed with Devin and only Devin in Bloomington was hard.  My mind wanted to relive everything and for about the fiftieth time, I doubted my decision to take my children on the road like that.  I imagined what it would be like to go back home without one of them, as they slept in a cold morgue.  No, no, no.  I COULD NOT go there, but that night, it's the only place my mind wanted to go.  And then sometime in the around 4:00, I was granted a fraction of peace and I finally slept.

Back on the road in the morning, I was surprisingly clear-headed.  Across Colorado and into Kansas.  People talk about how dull Kansas is, but I love it each time I'm there.  I love America' heartland.  I love the endless miles of emerald green cornfields.  I love that it's where Clark Kent was reared. Philip and I had great conversations driving across Kansas, and I felt a smidge of harmony, driving a route to Texas that I'd never taken before.  Along the way, Philip and I talked about "The Witcher." I'd recently finished the series (and am reading the books), and it peaked his interest.  He decided to start watching it on his phone, but the light outside made it impossible to see the picture on his phone.  So what did Mr. Engineer do? He took an empty Cheez-It box and put his phone in the bottom of it, making a View Master (remember those?). It was hilarious and I had to snap a picture! (He will kill me...but it's too funny not to remember this way.)

We drove straight down through Oklahoma.  I love Oklahoma and it reminded me of the time in 1990 when we went up there for a family reunion, and then my grandpa took us on a family history tour of where he was raised.  Sometime around 8:30 that evening, we crossed over the Red River and were officially in Texas.  My heart was a conundrum of emotions.  Even though it had been difficult emotionally, I'd truly enjoyed the trip with Philip and my kids.  Pulling into the driveway brought back a bittersweet sense of dejavu, but I prayed that nothing about this trip would resemble the last time I pulled into that very driveway with my children in tow.  Just because I was sad that the 1,400 miles were done, did not mean that we would suffer the same fate as in 2014.  It was great to see Granana and Gov and of course, be greeted by the entourage of canines (five, to be exact). Mom's health has been in severe jeopardy for a while (I'll get to that later...and explain why this trip was 100% about my parents and family and not about seeing old friends). Hugging her was cathartic, to say the least. The first leg of the three weeks was over, and we made it safely.  

Once the kids were in bed, Philip and I sat in the quiet living room and that's when it began to hit me.  My adrenaline started racing, I started sweating, and I was horribly dissociating.  PTSD and its nasty face was showing in fullness, and it was terribly hard to control, but I'm proud because I didn't have a full-blown attack like I did on our first night back last summer.  I fought through it and this time, it was a mild episode.  When I was finally calm again (or at least calmer), Philip and I wound down by watching an episode of "The Witcher." I got drowsy half-way through and decided to try to sleep, and I did the craziest thing.  Rather than sleeping in the bedroom at the end of the house furthest away from the one I shared with Devin ad Garrett on the night before the accident and never slept in again (they call it the "Green Room" because it has sage green walls), I decided to sleep in...the green room.  Last year I couldn't so much as step foot in that room because of the memories it elicited.  This time, I faced it head on.  

Newsies!

Newsies production began in January and was supposed to be wrapped up the second weekend in June.  Well, COVID had other plans.  Honestly, I don't know how this show came together like it did.  Social distance rehearsals?  Zoom workshops and rehearsals in the midst of remote school learning? Man oh man, it was hectic.  I did some costuming again and truly enjoyed it...for the most part.  There were three casts this time, with drastically different body types and sizes for the same character.  That always creates a unique challenge for a seamstress, but it's a welcome challenge because I always learn something new and get better. The kids made some incredible new friends this go, and I never DON'T fall completely in love with the kids and their families. It's difficult to work closely with people and not grow to love them.  

The performances took place over nine nights.  I worked concessions with some of my favorite people each night, with the exception of Garrett's death anniversary when we hid at home (the kids were not performing that night, so it worked out great). I sure love my fellow theatre families, and I got to know some new ones while working this show.  Did I already say how much I love our theatre family? No? Okay, I really love our theatre family and cannot imagine life without them! Because there's an enormous amount of downtime during performances for a lot of actors, we do a lot of talking. Lots of talking and braiding hair.  Isn't that funny? A couple of the kids were talking about music and that they want to learn to play guitar, and I said that I play.  On the second night, I brought one of my guitars to let them dink around on. Well, somehow it turned into a kumbaya session each night, with a full blown sing-a-long during each intermission.  It was an absolute blast, and the musical/vocal talent of these kids blows me away! 

Because this show was dragged out for so long, it was more of a relief when it ended.  There were still lots of tears. but I don't think any of the parents are missing the 1:00 a.m. end of the day that we experienced for two weeks straight. It made for some exhausting days and nights, but it was so worth it. Words can't express my appreciation for their theatre and those who devote their lives to the teaching and betterment of these kids. There's nothing but love from their directors and producers, and they're changing lives, one kid at a time. 

Our amazing Livvy, who dedicates all she has to these kids!  She celebrated her birthday during one of the fourteen hour days during tech week, so we surprised her with a cake! 

Lauren as Morris Delancey. 

Ethan as Mr. Wiesel.

I made these framed posters for each of the directors and producers, which the entire cast signed.