The Work Is Done

I really don't know how to start this journal. I don't know how, at 1:24 in the morning, to take hold of these thoughts and feelings and give them structure. SO much has taken place within me in the last year since he died. I've ridden one of the most intense roller coasters ever invented. My thoughts and feelings on the matter have changed and morphed often times on a minute to minute basis.

But after last night, perhaps I am closer to picking an emotion and staying there for a little while.

Jospeh died on July 1st of last year. The one year anniversary came and went and I didn't pay it much heed, mainly because my tonsillectomy had taken place only three days before and I was wigged out of my mind because of the effects of percocet and dehydration. The 10th, however, the anniversary of the funeral, was a different story. In a way I wish I had still been wigged out of my mind. That day was hard. I cried a lot. The memory of his burial brought raw feelings to the surface. I could hear the sounds, smells the scents in the air, taste the tears on my face. Lots of tears were shed a year before on that very day.

But the beautiful thing about this past year is that Joseph, I believe in the deepest reaches of my heart, has had the opportunity for much learning and growth. Growth that none of us can fathom in this mortal state. What he has likely experienced and seen...it leaves me speechless. And I believe that he is on an exalted place that I hope to be one day be on.

Last night was awesome. We gathered at the Dallas Temple as Dad did his work. Work that Joseph has been waiting so long for. He, through proxy, received the higher priesthood. As I sat in the chapel before the session, I thought of the washing and anointing that had taken place on his behalf only moments before. Joseph had the priesthood. Joseph had the priesthood! I sat there and smiled through tears as I took it in. And it truly felt as though he was sitting there with us.

What made the session even more special is Cody and I were asked to be the witness couple. We had not been given that chance in more than five years. I listened closer than I had ever listened in a session. I caught subtle details that I had never caught before. And when we all gathered in the Celestial Room at the end of the session, I don't know if I can ever explain that feeling. We all agreed that we felt nothing but peace. It was the kind of peace that you feel at the end of an exhausting day when you sink your body into a warm tub of soapy water. You breathe in the aroma of the bath oil and let the water gently fall over every inch of your tired skin. Every care and every trial seems to escape you. That is what it felt like as we sat in that beautiful room. Joseph was fine and he was happy and ready for the work that had been done in his name.

Even though it was 9:30 when we got out of the Temple, and even though we had seven small children in tow (we wanted EVERYONE to be there that night, even if they could not go inside that part of the temple. We needed to be together.) we continued the celebration at Chilis. We laughed, we ate, we took a ton of pictures...we wanted to remember that night and what it meant for our family. Joseph was there with us. He laughed with us. And I know, that he is always cheering for us. I am reminded of something that was said to me in a blessing I received only days after his passing. It said that Joseph would serve as a cheerleader for our family until we were all reunited again as a whole unit. And I know that he is doing just that.

It was a night that I hope to never forget. I love you Bofie. I miss you like crazy but I know you have a lot of work to do. You are one step closer to becoming who you were meant to become. I am also cheering YOU on from this side of the veil. My heart is full.

Texas Summer Day 1

Well, we made it. Dad flew in on Monday and we finished up our packing and hit the road Tuesday morning. Cody will follow us out here next week and we can't wait to see him. The kids did amazingly well on the two day trip, all things being considered. We stopped for the night in Gallup NM and made our way to Joshua TX by about 11:00 (CST) on Wednesday night. The great news is we don't have to make that drive again for 16 whole days!

Devin had a really hard time last night. I think he had either a bottle or babyfood that had been sitting out too long. That kind of thing is hard to avoid on a long road trip, and he was up puking three times last night. I did NOT have a good night because of that. So this morning the four kiddos and I slept in extra long and hard. We then spent most of the day swimming. What else are you supposed to do when you are at Granana and Gov's pad? You swim. Our lives revolve around the water when we are here. My babies are water bugs and I love it. We swam all morning, and then when it was time for lunch the kids begged to let them eat outside (despite the fact that it was almost 100 degrees and humid). They just could not bring themselves to part from the pool.

Devin slept for a huge chunk of the day and this evening he was a MUCH happier guy. We grilled chicken and peppers and onions of the grill, had wild rice and sauteed summer squash, and again enjoyed our meal out on the back porch. And then of course we topped the night off for another soak in the pool, followed up by Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla. Now THAT is Texas.

Kids are all sleeping. I am enjoying the damp air on my sun kissed skin. Life is sweet.

Devin- 9 Months Old

Well once again, Mommy has dropped the ball. Sometimes this fourth child thing really stinks. I feel neglected. I get lost in the shadows. I feel like Mommy and Daddy have "been there done that" so I'm nothing special. How is that for pathetic? Do you feel sorry for me yet? But then again, I am often times the center of attention. My older sisters are crazy about me and they sometimes love me TOO much. I am spoiled rotten. My brother thinks I hung the moon and he's always telling me about cool things we're gonna do one day. And whenever we are out in public, people always stop and stare and tell Mommy how cute I am. And you know what? I think they are right. So maybe being the current youngest isn't so bad. And Mommy is super busy and she wishes she had more time to do things like journal about my every milestone. She really is the greatest person who ever lived, and I'll try to be more understanding of her crazy schedule. It is important for Mommies to sleep, so I shouldn't think she should be using that precious time at night to keep up on my development. I will try to be easier on her.

I am now nine months old. A lot has happened to me since Mom last wrote about me at seven months. I am crawling everywhere and I've got to say, I'm pretty dang fast. Mom and Dad can't keep up with me. Lightening McQueen really has nothing on me. I started off doing the army crawl, and I favored my right arm. I was pretty fast then too, but then I figured out how to get up on all fours and now there is no stopping me. Whenever Mom tries to change my diaper, I flip right over and crawl away. It makes her mad, but she always laughs. I know I look cute from behind with my bottom all naked. I am REALLY cute naked. I have what people call "thunder thighs" but I don't get that because they don't make loud noises like thunder. They are actually quiet.

I also am really good at pulling myself up on everything, even flat surfaces like doors and walls. And lately I like to take one hand off and balance with just one hand. I'm so freakin' talented. Mom always says that I am going to be walking in a month or two. Heck yeah! I know that is way earlier than my siblings walked. They were lazy bums and didn't feel like walking until thirteen months. Not me! I have way too much ambition and my legs are going to be taking me everywhere before long. Mom isn't too happy that I'm gonna walk soon, but I don't care. I've got places to go.

A few weeks ago Mommy had to have a really nasty surgery done in her throat. I didn't get to nurse for a couple of days and I was kind of mad about that. Then mom got sick because she couldn't drink water and she had to go to the hospital. When she came back, the "tap" had all but dried up. I'm not sure what that means, but I know that my milk source wasn't working very well anymore. I was NOT happy about that. So now most of the time I have to drink this nasty stuff called Formula. It must be a "formula" of dog poop and pee because it tastes horrible. About once a day Mom has enough on tap for me to have a meal, but most of the time I drink the nasty stuff. I really had a good thing going all those months and I took it for granted! Dang.

I really love baby food. Mom is kind of naughty and on the gross tasting stuff like peas and green beans she sprinkles a little pinch of sugar on it. Then she mixes it with rice cereal and it tastes really yummy! Mom thinks I need to start eating more solids because I'm still waking up hungry at night. Hey, I'm fine with that! I also really love eating small pieces of food with my fingers. They are quite chubby and they are good at picking things up to put in my mouth. I love cheese, Cheri-os, bread, bananas, pasta, and most other things.

I had something horrible happen to me the other day. I have what Mom says are "bad ears". But I don't think they are so bad. I think they are pretty cute, but they do hurt hurt alot. They used to get infected all the time. So finally, Dr. Allred said I needed to have them fixed. Mom took me to the hospital REALLY early one day. The hospital was kind of fun and they had some cool toys. They gave me some ugly pajamas to wear and Mom took pictures of me. I was really hungry because my bad Mom wouldn't give me breakfast that morning! She held me for a while and them some man came and took me away from her. I was kind of sad, but he had a fun tag hanging around his neck and it was good to suck on. His name was Dr. Miller and he was called an anesthesiologist. He laid me on a bed and put some funky thing on my face and took a REALLY long nap. When I woke up Mommy was there but I felt quite yucky. My head and tummy kind of hurt. I felt like a caged wild animal and I started trying to climb on things and I was thrashing. What the heck was going on? I felt really bad. Then Mommy took me home and I took another long nap at home. I mean a REALLY long nap. I had funny dreams. But now my ears don't hurt anymore and I can sleep at night. That makes Mommy very happy!

I went to see Dr. Allred on Tuesday and he said I'm so cute. People always say that. When he opened my diaper he said that I was still a boy and he felt my boy part and it tickled! I started laughing. I was hoping he would tickle me again there because I liked it. But he didn't and I was kind of sad. Dr. Allred said my weight is starting to drop, but he thinks it's because I'm so active and I am never still. I weigh 19.5 pounds. He says my weight is in the "38th percentile". Whatever that means. I am also 29 inches tall and I am in the 75th percentile. I'm a tall and skinny guy, but I hear the ladies dig that body type. Some of my uncles are tall and what they call "wirey". The ladies like them. I will probably be like that too. Dr. Allred gave me a clean bill of health so that made Mommy happy.

Well, that about sums up what I'm up to these days. I have a lot to do and explore, so I'm gonna stop gabbing about myself now. I'm cute. If you want to know more, come by and we can chat. I'm seriously awesome at nine months old.

Hailey's Preschool Graduation

Well, Mrs. Kari did it again! She pulled of another AMAZING preschool year. Hailey had a fantastic time three days a week in her class. I can't believe she is old enough to be in preschool! Luckily she gets another year with this incredible teacher. We feel very blessed to have Kari in our lives. She told me I need to keep having babies so she can continue to be a part of our family by teaching our kids. We love her!

The program was the cutest one yet. The theme was "Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night" and they opened with a parody of the same Black Eyed Peas song. Unbelievably cute! We ended the night with a stop at Baskin 'n Robins for a yummy treat. We are so proud of our Hailey Bailey and we love her to pieces!!

Confession

Can I tell you a little secret? I am ready for a change. As much as I love certain things about living where we do, I am ready for a new adventure. Maybe it's my nomadic nature coming through. I'm not sure why I've been feeling antsy for so long, but the feeling is not going away. Cody has a good job and he works for an AMAZING company. I wouldn't want him to have to change companies, but the good news is that his caompany has plants in several parts of the country...and in Europe. I don't want to move to Europe (okay, I would totally go to Europe if it wasn't permanant and if it weren't so far away from family. Cephalon has a big manufacturing plant right outside of Paris. PARIS! And they have an office in Ireland and Spain and The Netherlands and Germany...) but if he were to get transfered to a different part of the country I would be excited. Is that terrible of me? Whew, it feels good to openly admit that. I'm sure it won't ever happen, but I have been fantasizing about it lately. Okay, confession over and I feel good. I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore so it's not like I'll offend anyone by saying this. I'm merely sending it out to the void.

Test

Testing to see if the comments are turned back on.

Motherly Randomness

Right now it is 1:23 a.m. and I am wide awake. But it's odd considering I have barely slept in two days. Devin suddenly began running a high fever in the wee hours of Friday morning. It was about 104 degrees. I barely slept that night. He ran fever all day on Friday and despite my efforts to keep it down with medicine, by 9:00 Friday night his fever was 105 degrees. So to the ER we went. The poor guy underwent all kinds of "viloations" to his body. He ended up with an IV in his head and his veins sucked right through a ton of fluid. They were very worried because his heart BPM was almost 200. They were on the fence about letting me take him home. They said they would admit him if I wanted them too. But getting sleep in a hospital is nearly impossible, even for a baby. Devin was a very tired boy so I opted to go home.

But I couldn't leave without very strict instructions of how to care for him and what to watch for. It is scary when the doc is telling you how to handle a siezure. We finally got home and to bed some time around 3:30. But still he didn't sleep well and I sure as heck didn't either. But today has been better for him and he has been drinking quite a bit, so that is really good.

Oh, turns out he has Coxsakie virus. It is a really nasty thing that can cause hand foot mouth disease. Yuck. Yes, we are now THAT family.

So he is sleeping somewhat restlessly in the playpen which resides in our walk in closet. I should be getting to bed, but my mind is fully alert. How can I function on so little sleep? Tomorrow is Father's Day and I have to be at church to take care of Primary stuff. But the kids have to stay home because they all likely have the virus incubating in them. What a fun week we are in for. So poor Cody has to spend Father's Day at home with all four kids while Mom runs off to church. I feel so rotten about that. He can't even wear his traditional tie that the kids made him. Hailey worked so hard to decorate it.

I am alone with my thoughts and I realize I am so unhappy with how I am mothering my children lately. Nothing I can really single out, more of a bunch of little things that I wish to change. They are growing up so fast and I am not cherishing this time with them, not enough anyway. I don't want to have regrets when they are grown and living far away from me. I want to look back on these years and say "I did a good job. I am happy with the memories and years I spent raising them."

But the way I am doing things, I fear that I will have many regrets. I guess I am just writing this to "verbalize" how I want to change. I NEED to change. I need to be okay when the house is not perfect or when Hailey accidentally ruins her hairdo because of doing cartwheels. I need to be okay when Lauren smears jelly all over her clean shirt only seconds before we are supposed to walk out the door to an appointment. I need to be okay when Ethan wines and begs to watch "just one more show". He's a good kid. Don't get so upset and call him a lazy wad. He just wants to relax and veg a little.

I need to remember that I have exceptional kids. They are each so unique and smart and funny and caring and interesting and witty and creative and compassionate and talented and above all....they are each mine. This is my one and only shot to get things right. I need to be better for them. I want them to look back on these years with only happy memories. I need to yell less and breathe more. I need to sweat the small things not so much.

I should try to get some sleep. Early church tomorrow and lots to do. The best part about tomorrow is I get another chance to do things right. Tomorrow, I will be better.

Bike Adventure Picnic

One evening while Dad was still in Denver, we packed a picnic dinner and went for an "adeventure". We live in a fairly boring place and I have to be pretty creative to find fun things to do. Ethan and Hailey hopped on their bikes and we went on the walking trail that runs through our neighborhood. We rarely use that trail so the kids thought it was pretty cool. We walked/rode for about 1.5 miles and then we ended up at the playground to eat. We called Dad while we were there and he really missed us and missed the fun. We'll have to take him on a bike adventure sometime soon!

Denver Getaway

On May 21 Cody had to fly to Denver for a conference/work trip. He has to travel about every other month, but it is usually out east. However, this time he was going to Denver and since it is so close to where we live, airfare was reasonable for me to tag along. Cody's parents came in to stay with the older three kids for the weekend. Devin of course tagged along, and he proved to be the perfect traveler! This was his first airplane ride, and depsite an unknown ear infection, he was amazingly good.

Cody works for a great company and they always put him up in nice places when he travels. And he gets all the perks that go along with working for a great company. We stayed in the Marriott, right in the heart of downtown. In fact, it was called the "City Center Marriott". It seemed that the whole city revolved around this gorgeous sky scraper hotel. I had never stayed in a place that fancy and at first it seemed a little intimidating, but I soon fell in love with being treated so nicely by the classy people dressed in classy suits. We had the most beautiful view from our room, overlooking the city and all it's splendor. However, one of the down sides to staying in luxery is that your are expected to tip EVERYONE who helps you do ANYTHING. That was kind of annoying.

After getting setteled in our hotel, we hit the streets in search of a place to eat. I love going to new places with Cody because he always insist that we do it like the locals do. "We can eat at Chilis anytime where we live. Let's find a place that is only found in Denver." We found this awesome Irish pub to eat at. We got there right at happy hour and they had live Irish music and everything. Wow, those people can drink! We had some great food and it was nice just getting to talk. We never do that anymore.

I had a hard time with Devin on our first night there, so I slept in pretty late on Saturday. Cody had to be at his conference early that morning but Devin and I lazied around until it was time to meet Dad for lunch. Aaaahhh, luxery! It's amazing how the fancy soaps and lotions magically re-appeared every time we came back to the room after being away for a period of time.

Denver is a very pedestrian friendly city, so we walked everywhere (even though we had a nice rental car equipped with GPS). I quickly fell madly in love with the city. I loved walking everywhere! We met Cody at Bubba Gump's for lunch. I'd never eaten at one of those restaurants before, only been inside the gift shop in Long Beach CA. It really is a neat place, so I highly recommend eating there if you ever get the chance. I had the most AMAZING cajun chicken sandwich with avacado, swiss cheese, and bacon. Seriously, I am still talking about how good it was! On the way out I just had to pick up a copy of "Forrest Gump". It's one of my all time favorite movies and I can't believe we don't have it in our collection.

After taking Devin back for a nap in the hotel, we met up again to explore the city when Cody's conference was done. We decided to head out in search of the aquarium because we'd heard good things about it. Well the map we looked at was very decieving and we ended up walking MIILES to find it. Devin fell asleep in the stroller and even thought the walk was very long, we didn't mind. We got lost in great conversation and again, such a cool city to walk through. By the time we got to the aquarium, it was dinner time to we decided to eat in their VERY nice restaurant. So cool, completely surrounded by fish tanks. And we had a fabulous "shark cake" which was just a molten chocolate cake of sorts, but really great.

When we finally left the restaurant, we decided it was so late and would not be worth the $50 to go see the fish. Instead, we started walking back toward downtown. What a beautiful evening! It was dark and I loved seeing the city all lit up woth night life. Cody suggested we take a street that we hadn't walked on yet. Again, he's cool to visit new places with. We stopped and listened to street performers and gave a dollar or two away. During the trip we got a real kick out of people assuming Devin was out only child. It's uncanny how few children we saw out there. And babies were a real novlety, so we got a lot of comments from friendly passer-bys. Sometimes Cody and I would clue them in that he was in fact our fourth child, but sometimes we would just share a funny glance with each other.

The next morning we slept in very late. Since it was Sunday, Cody didn't have any work things going on. How I miss sleeping in with him! By the time we finally got up and at 'em it was lunch time. Yes, it was Sunday, but it's hard to keep the Sabbath Day holy when you are traveling and have to pay for meals. We ventured out again and found a quaint but fancy French cafe. They had a complementary pastery bar that was oh so good! Our waitress and I clicked right away because we imediately realized we were both from HOUSTON!! We both squealed with delight. And Cody sat there and mocked us. She signed our receipt in a cute way, and yes, she got a good tip.

That afternoon before heading to the airport, we went to the Denver Museum of Science and History. Very cool place. But the main reason we wanted to go was to see the Body Worlds exhibit. It had been in Salt Lake a year or so before, but we never made it out there to see it. It was expensive, but well worth the money. I could not believe that all the bodies and body parts were from REAL people. I was a little disappointed by the irreverence that some people showed. As I looked at each body, I tried to imagine who they were and what they were like when they were alive. And I developed and evern greater appreciation for the magnificant machines that our bodies are. And I gained even more admiration for the Ultimate Creator.

Then it was off to the airport and time to say goodbye. Thanks to the ridiculous way that the Denver airport is laid out, Devin and I had to race to make our flight. But we made it and it was nice to be back at home with my three other babies. It was such a great trip! Again, I can't express how much I love Denver. I really feel in love with the city. It was so full of culture and life and I loved seeing all kinds of people. If Cody ever got a good job opportunity up there, I'd definitely consider a move to the Mile High City!

On Turning 30

On May 15th at 9:14 p.m. (central time of course) I turned thirty years old. A lot of people have asked me if turning thirty would be hard. And in all honestly, I've been able to answer them with a big fat "No". Perhaps hitting this milestone would have been hard if I hadn't done as much in my twenties as I did. I met my husband, went to college, got married, bought a house, had four beautiful babies... They may not sound like big accomplishments to some, but I am very content with the things I've done up to this point in my life. No, I have not made huge strides to improve humanity, but I feel I'm leaving my mark. At least with children anyway. And becoming a mom is by far the biggest accomplishment I've ever done.

This year we celebrated with our (not so little and ever growing) family. The kids have been begging me for months to go to Chuck-E-Cheese. Ugh. Not on my list of favorite things to do. We have never been there as a family and I promised a few weeks ago that we could go for the next birthday someone in our family had. I didn't realize that the next birthday would be...mine! And my thirtieth on top of that. But I agreed to spend my big day at the place "where a kid can be a kid". We did have a fun time, even though Dad was feeling under the weather.

I got very spoiled by my wonderful family. I know I have said this a lot, but I have an amazing husband. He is so thoughtful and really puts his heart into things. He took the kids shopping earlier in the week (pretty much a repeat of Mother's Day) and they each picked out presents for their mama. Again, I loved each one dearly!

Hailey got me a dolphin bank, Hello Kitty lip gloss, Hello Kitty wipes, a squishy ball, and foming hand soap.

Lauren got me a fishy bank, a Caboodles box, lip gloss, and more lip gloss.

"Devin" got me two of my favorite movies on DVD- "Sherlock Holmes" and "The Blind Side".

Ethan picked out a really cool blouse that I will be able to wear once my giant nursing boobs shrink down. Everything is way too tight across the boobage area these days. I love that he picked it out himself and that it is my style!

And last but not least, Dad got me two DVDs as well. "Raising Arizona" (which we watched that night after kids were in bed and cried from laughter) and my all time favorite "The Princess Bride" (never before owned a DVD copy). And his big gift was a new video camera. Our old one died just a few weeks after Devin was born so we have very little video of him and anything since November. The camera he picked out is super bice and I have had a blast recording anything and everything!

I feel so blessed and so excited in this, my thirty first year of life. And Mom, thanks for going over your due date and suffering through almost a whole day of [natural] childbirth to get me here. I know that eight pounds and five ounces wasn't the easiest thing to expell from your body. I love you!!!

Devin- 7 Months Old

Dear Devin,

I can't believe that seven months have passed since the day I first held your sweet little body and heard your newborn cry. So much has happened in these months! You have brought more joy into our household and family than you will ever know. I think about how much I wanted you, long before you grew in my belly. You were meant to be mine and I am so grateful to be your mama.

These days you are into all kinds of mishchief and it is so fun! You scoot around on your belly and your back all day long. You can keep yourself entertained for a long time by rolling from one side of the room to the other, finding fun things to explore along the way. You are very efficient at scooting on your back, which is something none of your siblings ever did. Lately you have been getting up on your hands and knees like you want to crawl. You rock back and forth, but you haven't wuite figured out how to propell yourself forward. Any day now, I'm sure!

You are pretty much sitting up now. When you are in your car seat you want to be sitting up and pull your body forward. You are so strong! You like being in your high chair because it's very easy to sit up and see the world that way. You love cereal puffs on your tray, especially the sweet potato kind. You LOVE rice cereal, especially since I put a little pinch of sugar in the bowl. I can't seem to shovel it in your mouth fast enough! Sometimes if I go too slowly you pull the spoon away from me and try to feed yourself.

I am still your #1. No one can hold a candle to me and I love it. I am the first face you see when you wake up in the morning, and I am the last face you see as you fall asleep at night. You love to nurse, but you have been very distracted lately and haven't nursed as much. There is too much to see and do in the world! But boobie milk is still the only thing you want when you feel you have been wronged (usually by one of your sisters for "loving" you too hard).

You think it is really funny when I raise my voice to yell at one of your siblings. When I am mad, you laugh and laugh and laugh! Maybe because you know it's not YOU that is trouble. You also love it when people whistle songs to you, especially Daddy. You are liking him a lot more these days. When he comes home at night, you light up when he plays with you. I love it that you interact with him a lot more. Don't leave Daddy out. Believe it or not, he loves you as much as I do. You guys will be best buds before long.

I love you, my sweet Chubba Bubba. I have so much love in my heart for you, and I sometimes feel that it will explode all over the place! Thank you for giving us seven beautiful months.

All my love, Mommy

I love this kid. And he's growing up too fast.