Spiritual Overhaul

My testimony of the gospel is slipping.

I admit it.

This is scary for me to admit, especially because of my position in our ward. I know many people from my ward at church read this blog. But I feel I should be honest with the world, and more so, be honest with myself. It's only through acknowledgement of the problem that the problem can be fixed.

I have said many times in this journal that this has been a very trying year. I have just surpassed my one year anniversary as the Primary President in our ward. Wow, I can't believe I made it that long! When I was set apart in this calling I was promised blessings. I was promised that through my service to the Lord, my family and I would be blessed and that my testimony would be strengthened. Well, it's hard to see how much of that has come to pass. In many ways, it seems that the opposite has happened.

But as I reflect back, I see that maybe the very fact that my testimony has plummeted, is in FACT the blessing. Because in recent days I have had this urge, the kind of urge that keeps me up at night, to get back to the meat and potatoes of my testimony. It is still there. But rather than turn to the Lord this year, I often find myself turning away from Him. And enough is enough.

The fact of the matter is that I have neglected my testimony. My testimony is like a precious plant, or like a garden, and it must be nurtured and fed and watered. I have lacked in all these areas. I can sit and make excuses that life is hard and I am so busy that I can barely breathe. But the more placent I become, the easier it is to continue being placent, and the harder it will be to eventually weed that precious garden of any damage that has accrued during the neglectful period.

And so I begin a fast. Since I am breastfeeding, I can not fast from food. The Lord understands this. But there are many other areas that I can abstain from. For example, I will not be getting back on the Internet until next Monday, April 5th. Next weekend is General Conference. Oh, how I love General Conference. I crave it like a stranded person in the desert craves a drink of water. I look back on this time last year right after I was called to this church position. I was on one of the most intense spiritual highs that I had ever been on. I remember sitting on the couch for hours that first weekend of April 2009 and soaking up every bit of each message that came through the airwaves. I was on a different plane. And somewhere in the last twelve months, I lost it. But I am determined to get it back.

So from now until next week I will be doing nothing but working on my testimony. I have spent the last two days studying my scriptures. I for sure need to work specifically on my testimony of the Book of Mormon. I need to engross myself in it. I need to relearn the truth of it, along with the Bible, but for now I am focusing on the book that sets us apart from other religions. I pulled out an old Book of Mormon Institute study manual. I unburied some General Conference DVDs (including the one from October 2007 which was President Hinckley's last Conference before he died). I uploaded many many General Conference talks and other spiritually uplifting talks onto my MP3, and I have been listening to them a lot during the day. My ear buds have become an appendage of my body, or so it seems.

For the next several days, aside from caring for my family, I will be doing nothing but studying, praying, and abstaining from anything that drives the spirit away. Blogging will have to wait! Not that it drives the spirit away, but it is a distraction.

So until then.......wish me luck in this journey.