"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Monday, April 9, 2012

Head Over Feet

I should be folding laundry. I have four big baskets waiting to be folded and a bathroom that needs to be cleaned. I have dinner to get ready for tonight, Ethan's baseball stuff to gather up for his game, and a dishwasher to unload. But all that can wait because right now, I need to write about how much I am in love with Cody. May sound silly...we have been married for ten years and our life is very established and we go through the daily grind and our five kids keep us too busy to be in love. Right? Wrong. Because at the moment, I feel like a school girl who needs a notebook to write our initials with a heart around them. Gotta go find me a notebook.

Over a decade ago, before we got married, I compiled every single one of our emails and letters that we had written back and forth from the time we were getting to know each other. I put them into a huge binder, and the binder got stashed away. Well, the other night I was looking for something and I came across the binder. I couldn't resist- I opened it up and began to read as if it was the best novel I'd ever read. Because it was our story. Our life. And we were the main characters. And as I read I was absolutely falling in love with him all over again and became giddy as I realized that the characters in the story lived happily ever after. They ended up falling deeply and madly in love and in the present day, have an incredible life together.

Our life has been anything but perfect since we met on that cold and rainy night in early November 2000. We have had our fair share of bumps and boulders along that way, and let's face it...we've had our share of obstacles which seemed insurmountable and at times we thought we wouldn't make it. But we have made it and we have come FAR.

Cody was the nice guy, the guy who was always a great "friend" to girls. He had just turned 27 when we met and I know he was looking hard for his other half. He hadn't found her yet and when we met, I found him incredibly adorable but just not my type. He was cute but brutally honest because he was tired of playing the games. I was getting over a severe heartbreak myself and was NOT looking for love. At all. In fact, I was getting ready to serve a mission and had started the interview process with my church leaders. But as the weeks passed and turned into months, I became more and more dependent upon this guy who lived three states away and whom I had only gotten to meet on occasion. He was becoming one of my best friends, my confidant, and at some point my perspective changed from seeing him as an older brother, to seeing him as one of the best guys I had EVER known and who was falling for me. And I knew that if I didn't become completely vulnerable then some other girl would see how great he was and then he would be gone from me forever. And the thought of that happening...it was very hard to think about.

And so we jumped. We jumped hard and we jumped fast. We looked far enough over the edge to make sure that it was safe-ish and then we jumped, knowing it was all or nothing. And when we jumped we got a little scraped up along the way but the bumps and scratches turned into scars and we became strong. And I think of those two kids back then and I wonder what it would have been like for us once upon a time to have a glimpse into the future...into OUR future and see everything that we have today. In spring of 2001 as I was painting my parents' house and thinking (because I had nothing else to do but think) "Is this the right decision? Is he the right person for me? What if this is a big mistake? What I don't end up loving him like I think I can? What if I get hurt?" My gosh. I wish I could go back and tell that girl to just STOP IT. I wish that I could tell her how happy I would be. I wish I could tell her how good Cody would be to me and what an incredible husband and father he would be. I wish I could tell her how desperately in love with him I would fall. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

And here it is, eleven years later. And as much as I thought I loved him when we got engaged, as much as I thought I could never live without him, those feeling have only intensified over the years and now he is as much a part of me as my own limbs are. He is my air. Life just makes sense with him as my partner! I still get giddy and my heart skips a beat when the phone rings and I see it's him calling me, usually from work just to say hi. I still love lying with him at night in the silence of our bedroom and just talking. I love how when we are driving somewhere, he will sometimes reach over and grab my hand. I love how he can make me laugh like NO ONE ELSE. I love how much faith he has in God. I love how when I slip and fall, he is right there to catch me. He is my loudest and most enthusiastic cheerleader and I want to be his too.

I love him. And I am so happy that I was in the library that night and he was in the library that night and that we made contact. My heart is more full of love for that man than should be allowed.