"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Monday, February 24, 2014

Since then.

Photo taken from the boat as we sailed away from Belize.
 Life has been put into two categories as of late- life before Liam died, and life after Liam died.  I have said it a million times that he wasn't my baby.  No blood relation, unless lifelong friendship with his mother counts.  Because Carli has always been like a little sister to me and always will be.  I keep thinking of things like "Oh, that was days before Liam died..."  or "That happened two weeks after I got back from Houston..."

I really would like to move on from that.  So much of my life had been wrapped up in Liam stuff.  Moderating his Facebook page took a lot of time.  Keeping my phone nearby at all times waiting for updates from his mama, letting me know news so I could update other people.  Fundraising.  Being a shoulder.  Keeping spirits up.  And then in the blink of an eye, it was all over.  Filling that void has been very difficult.

It changed me.

I don't want to spend my days sub-conciously planning the funerals of my children.  I don't want to take a picture and hear the voice that says "This will be a great one for the slide show at the memorial."  I want to take a picture just to take a picture without the voice telling me my child is going to die.  I want to look at my children's toys laying out and not make a mental note of what I want displayed at the funeral.  "That is Devin's favorite train.  I want to display that."

Liam will forever be in my heart and not a day goes by that I don't think about his impact in my life.  I think of his family all the time.  I send his parents cards in the mail with ridiculous things written inside.  They will be okay.  I saw Carli and her girls in Houston last week before our plane took off after our cruise.  It was great to see her looking alive and healthy. When I left her in November she looked like she was the walking dead.  I hate more than anything that Liam is not here and everyone is left with a gaping hole in their hearts.  But I also believe that in time, hearts heal.  And Carli and Christian will eventually be okay.  We all will.  But I wonder how long it takes for the lump a throat to go away, because it's still there.  Heck, the lump never went away after Joseph died.  Maybe that is a permanent side effect of grief.  It's the dead's way of reminding us that they still linger.  

Since then, life has been okay.  And it will continue to be okay.

Since then, we have lived and done the normal things families do.  I will never go back and fully document our comings and goings since I got back from Houston in November, but here is a glimpse of what we have been up to:

-We went on our traditional stay-cation to the bed and breakfast downtown on December 11th.  We stayed two nights and it was magical.  

-I developed a horrible staph infection in my post-op foot and it explained the fevers I had been running for weeks.

-We enjoyed Lauren and Devin's school Christmas programs.

-Kids went off track from school on December 21st and didn't go back until January 20th.  It was one of the longest months of our lives.  Yay for going back to a traditional school schedule.  No more year round school!

-Had a good Christmas at home with just the seven of us. 

-We had a few families over for games and junk food on New Years Eve.  Lots of fun, but it made for some very tired and cranky kids the next day.

-I started back to college on January 6th.  Nine upper division hours, all online.  Our lives have been very disrupted by this, but everyone has been very supportive.  Cody helps me study and keeps kids out of my hair when I need a study break.  This is the beginning of a very long road for me.  Go UTES!!

 -I got my braces off on January 13th.  It hurt really bad because my teeth are so sensitive, but I am very happy with the results. 

-Hailey turned eight years old on January 19th.  She wore her red cowboy coots and white dress to church (the same one she wore for her photo shoot in November).  She loved the attention she got at church.  Denver beat New England that day in the playoffs, which sent Denver to the Superbowl.  It was a fantastic day.

-Hailey celebrated her birthday on Friday January 24th with a giant pajama, pizza making, face painting, karaoke party.  16 little girls were in attendance.  I don't even want to paint faces again!

-Our lives were over run with ballet rehearsals the third week of January.

-Granana and Gov flew in on January 30th, just in time for Hailey's ballet performance that night.  This year it was "Sleeping Beauty" and she was the gift of sapphire and gold.  Grandma and Grandpa met us there for the performance as well.  They stayed in town for all the weekend's festivities.

-The next night was Ethan's pool party up at the rec center.  The big 10!!  He had about 13 friends there and we had pizza and cake.  

-The next morning  Hailey was baptized.  Aunt Leighann and Uncle Skylar flew in late the night before and it was so fun seeing them there at the Stake Center the next morning.  After the service we all went to Texas Roadhouse for lunch.  Lots of friends and family showed up for the baptism and a good time was had by all!

-That evening was Lauren's performance in "Sleeping Beauty" and she was a bluebird.  She did a fantastic job, but hooray for a break from ballet rehearsals!

-Superbowl Sunday had been very anticipated in our house.  It was fun having family in town for the game.  We had a few other families over as well and there was LOTS of yummy food.  Unfortunately, it was one of the worst football games in the history of football.  No use reliving the score.  Better luck next year, Denver!  It was also Gov's birthday and we had  a full house here to sing to him.  We apple several pies for birthday dessert. 

-The week of February 3rd was crazy stressful in our house.  Soooooo much to do to get ready to leave the country.  I had a lot of exams to take and assignments to complete before leaving.  Girl Scout cookie orders had to be finalized and entered before we left.  Headaches galore. 

-Saturday February 8th we drove down to Sandy for McKay's birthday party at Classic.  We stayed for about an hour and then raced to the airport.  It was the busiest we had ever seen the SLC airport.  We got to Houston late that night and hit the sack about 1:00 a.m.

-On Sunday we left on a seven day western Caribbean cruise with the entire McCorkle family.  Two grandparents, six living siblings and spouses, nine grand kids, and Granana's best friend (Aunt Lynn).  One of the most incredible weeks of our lives.  Honduras, Belize, Mexico.  Awesome, awesome, awesome.  I love my family so much!

-Met Carli and her girls in Houston at my favorite Mexican restaurant, Guadalajara, on our way to the airport.  So fun getting to visit and let our girls get to know each other again.  Liam was very missed.  

-After a hellacious flying experience back home (remind us never to fly with Frontier Airlines again) we got back to our house at almost 2:00 a.m. on Monday the 17th.  Luckily, that was Presidents Day and no one had school or work to get up for.  The day was spent unpacking, unpacking, and unpacking.  Such a bummer to come back to winter after being in 85 degree climate for a week.

-I found out I made a 93% on one of the hardest tests I had ever taken (took it on February 6th right before we left for Houston).  The class average was 76%.  Go me!

And that brings us to today.  Here's to staying caught up a little better!