Sunday, June 20, 2010

Motherly Randomness

Right now it is 1:23 a.m. and I am wide awake. But it's odd considering I have barely slept in two days. Devin suddenly began running a high fever in the wee hours of Friday morning. It was about 104 degrees. I barely slept that night. He ran fever all day on Friday and despite my efforts to keep it down with medicine, by 9:00 Friday night his fever was 105 degrees. So to the ER we went. The poor guy underwent all kinds of "viloations" to his body. He ended up with an IV in his head and his veins sucked right through a ton of fluid. They were very worried because his heart BPM was almost 200. They were on the fence about letting me take him home. They said they would admit him if I wanted them too. But getting sleep in a hospital is nearly impossible, even for a baby. Devin was a very tired boy so I opted to go home.

But I couldn't leave without very strict instructions of how to care for him and what to watch for. It is scary when the doc is telling you how to handle a siezure. We finally got home and to bed some time around 3:30. But still he didn't sleep well and I sure as heck didn't either. But today has been better for him and he has been drinking quite a bit, so that is really good.

Oh, turns out he has Coxsakie virus. It is a really nasty thing that can cause hand foot mouth disease. Yuck. Yes, we are now THAT family.

So he is sleeping somewhat restlessly in the playpen which resides in our walk in closet. I should be getting to bed, but my mind is fully alert. How can I function on so little sleep? Tomorrow is Father's Day and I have to be at church to take care of Primary stuff. But the kids have to stay home because they all likely have the virus incubating in them. What a fun week we are in for. So poor Cody has to spend Father's Day at home with all four kids while Mom runs off to church. I feel so rotten about that. He can't even wear his traditional tie that the kids made him. Hailey worked so hard to decorate it.

I am alone with my thoughts and I realize I am so unhappy with how I am mothering my children lately. Nothing I can really single out, more of a bunch of little things that I wish to change. They are growing up so fast and I am not cherishing this time with them, not enough anyway. I don't want to have regrets when they are grown and living far away from me. I want to look back on these years and say "I did a good job. I am happy with the memories and years I spent raising them."

But the way I am doing things, I fear that I will have many regrets. I guess I am just writing this to "verbalize" how I want to change. I NEED to change. I need to be okay when the house is not perfect or when Hailey accidentally ruins her hairdo because of doing cartwheels. I need to be okay when Lauren smears jelly all over her clean shirt only seconds before we are supposed to walk out the door to an appointment. I need to be okay when Ethan wines and begs to watch "just one more show". He's a good kid. Don't get so upset and call him a lazy wad. He just wants to relax and veg a little.

I need to remember that I have exceptional kids. They are each so unique and smart and funny and caring and interesting and witty and creative and compassionate and talented and above all....they are each mine. This is my one and only shot to get things right. I need to be better for them. I want them to look back on these years with only happy memories. I need to yell less and breathe more. I need to sweat the small things not so much.

I should try to get some sleep. Early church tomorrow and lots to do. The best part about tomorrow is I get another chance to do things right. Tomorrow, I will be better.

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