"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Lake

I hate Sundays.

I hate the days leading up to Sundays, because Sundays are full of triggers for me and most weeks it's all I can do to sit in church and not let my head explode.  Or implode.  This morning as I was getting dressed for church, I felt the walls caving in and I thought I was losing my mind.  I yelled and cried as I made the bed.  I have issues; a lot of issues surrounding God and today many things surmounted and I found myself crying on the bed in the fetal position.  An hour later we were all in the van with lunches packed and we headed north.  100 miles later we were in Bear Lake.  I haven't been to Bear Lake since Ethan was in my belly eleven years ago.  I don't know why Cody chose Bear Lake, but that's where we went.  Poor Cody was my figurative vomit bucket as I spewed all kinds of verbal venom at him on the drive up.  I won't go into details of what compiled to cause my spiritual breakdown today, but it was ugly.

The weather was cold and super windy.  The air temp was in the mid-sixties, but the wind made it feel like forty degrees.  I really, really detest wind.  It's amazing how kids are impervious to extreme weather, though. 

We ended up eating in the car at the park because I was freezing.  We had forgotten the little boys' jackets- win for Mom and Dad.  The kids got out to play on the playground toys, then we headed down the boardwalk to the beach and not a soul was in sight.  It was cold, but it was beautiful.  The kids played with the sand toys for a long time and it's amazing how sticks and rocks and broken shells brought them so much joy.  I strolled along and took pictures while my mind wandered.

Tonight I made a 94% on an exam and a 100% on a quiz.  Things feel a little better, but I dread next Sunday all over again.  Maybe we'll end up hiking in the mountains somewhere- who knows.

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