Breathing, and other such nonsense.

My life changed again today.  

For sixteen months I've been treated by an immunologist who also specializes in asthma.  Today he confirmed what I've suspected for a while now.  I have acute asthma.

My immune system has hated me for a long time and is in constant battle with itself and my body, of which it's a part, but it wants to believe it's a separate entity and is in charge of everything.  I am plagued with severe allergies to numerous things but I put off seeing an immunologist for many years, until I wasn't functioning anymore and enough was enough.   Sixteen months ago I began allergy treatment, and I can honestly say it changed my life for the better.  For anyone on the fence about undergoing immunotherapy, I would say do it.  

However, nothing is ever easy in my life.  A month ago, I suffered a severe asthma attack after a race I ran with Lauren.  I didn't realize at the time it was asthma; I thought it was another allergy induced anaphylactic reaction like I've suffered five times in the last year.  I didn't have my epi pen on me, but the situation grew dire and the paramedics had to be called.  It was mortifying.  Anyone who runs races, knows you NEVER want to be the person treated by the paramedics.  Ever.  

Lauren and me after the race in June.  Notice how there's NO ONE around at the finish?  That's because this was taken more than an hour after the race ended, and after the paramedics has released me.  Kind of embarrassing.

Lauren didn't care.  She'd been looking forward to this race for months, and was just happy that we finished it together and made good time, and that her mama was okay.

I had another asthma attack while hiking in New Mexico a week later, and the start of one while hiking up Logan Canyon a week after that.  What?!  Never in my life have I dealt with lung issues.  I was a swimmer and have always been extremely active.  I run, I swim, I cycle, I hike, I climb, I jump, I dance (badly) and I'm constantly on the go.  But today while talking to the doctor and Sherlock Holmes-ing the investigation, I went over every detail I could think of that would shed some light on what's happening in my body.  And you know what?  I had an asthma attack last July while running the Spudman tri in Idaho.  However, I never knew what an asthma attack felt like.  I have a high threshold for pain and have racked it up to being an annoying lung issue brought on by allergies.

Yes, and no.

Because I've had three attacks in a month, I'm now required to carry an inhaler at all times and in every situation.  I feel that there's a stigma attached to asthma, and for whatever reason, it greatly bothers me to be an asthmatic.  I see it as weak, even though my husband assures me that even the best sports teams have excellent players who have asthma.  This just blows.  I'm forever going to be worried about when it will happen, where I'll be, and whether or not I have my stupid inhaler within reach.  When you can't breathe, it's horribly terrifying.  My son died because he couldn't breathe.  I know the circumstances were very different than my every day, but now experiencing acute asthma of this degree, it makes me sick to have this small taste of what actually killed him.