Monday found me in a dark depression all day. A DEEP depression. I went to the gym, and couldn't shake it. I wrote a lot, and couldn't shake it. I worked vigorously in the garden, and it did nothing. I made dinner, we ate, and I had to get out of the house and go someplace where I could think and cry, and process what was going on. I drove around, and found myself up at my favorite lookout over the valley. The B. Unfortunately, numerous teenagers in the area had the same idea, and the place was packed. I sat for a few minutes, and drove on. In time, I was in a dark parking lot beside a city park. Completely empty. Not even street lights could be seen, so it was my kind of place.
Once again, it's summer. And as hard as I try to be okay with this time of year, there's still that place inside of me, in the forever broken part of me, that cannot accept this as "okay." And so, I sat and cried and talked to God and talked to my son and my brother. It's about to be six years, and it seems impossible to me. Monday was the six year anniversary of the day we met our Paul. He came to stay with us during what was supposed to be a summer like any other. None of us could have fathomed what would happen just one month later. Paul would in fact sit with our family like one of our own during our little boy's funeral. It's been six years, and my mind is having a very hard time processing it.
Tuesday, I got a special surprise in the mail. My dear friend, Adi, is a member of this club, after losing his toddler son in the same way to drowning. He and his wife embraced me the moment it happened to us, although I'd rather never known them, of it meant having my son back. But that's not my fate, and I'm grateful for people like the Nahsons who have walked this daunting path with me. Adi makes these beautiful 3D nightlights for bereaved parents and although he made a few for me a long time ago, he made me some new ones and I happened to get them in the mail one day this week when my heart was especially broken. This new one is plugged in the kitchen, so Garrett is with me while I cook, which was his favorite place to be.
Theatre has been back in full swing for a few weeks now, after having been shut down due to COVID. Ethan and Lauren are in "Newsies" and it was originally scheduled to be finished (done and completely dusted) the second weekend in June. Well, that's not what happened. It's now scheduled to run the third week of July, and we are crossing our fingers nothing changes. They sure are happy to be amongst their tribe again. There's really nothing like theatre kids, or theatre parents. It's such a joy to be part of this fantastic group, and this week was loaded with rehearsals. Our theatre family is the best!!
Hailey started learning English this week in riding lessons. Her teacher, Lisa (who also happens to be a friend of mine from waaaay back in the day, so it's a lot of fun visiting with her each week) warned her that her legs and butt would be sore after starting English, and she wasn't kidding! Seeing Hailey blossom in riding sure brings up all kinds of nostalgic feelings in me, as horses were a huge part of my life growing up. This kid is my clone in about a million ways, and it never doesn't freak me out!
Speaking of our theatre family, one of our favorite thespians turned sixteen on Sunday the 14th! Unfortunately, my brain starts to malfunction when summer hits, as it's just trying to survive all the garbage it brings with it. It malfunctioned the day of Alexes' birthday last week, and we missed her party! I was so bummed and felt beyond horrible, so I surprised her this week with one of my crazy cakes, complete with her favorite things. Happy sweet sixteen, Alexes!
Cody took Friday off of work and asked me if I wanted to go shooting at the range. He's been asking me this for a while, because he got me a new gun a few months ago and it's just been sitting in the gun safe. I admit that I HATE guns. Yes, I'm a Texas girl, raised by a father who's a gun enthusiast and a very skilled marksman. And yet, I hate guns. I'm all for responsible gun rights and believe guns to be valuable in many situations, but I flat out don't like them. This gun Cody bought me is strictly for self-defense, and seeing as how every gun is different, I needed to get comfortable with this one. Even stepping foot in the range makes me come unhinged on the inside, because each shot fired causes a visceral reaction in me. It's hard to contain it and not lose my mind. It's very much a sensory thing; feeling the reverberations makes me cower and want to cry.
Because this gun had never been fired, I asked Cody to fire the first bullet. For me, that first bullet is like stepping over he edge to bungee jump. I can't bring myself to pull the trigger. He obliged, but not realizing how the slide worked on this gun, he held it like he holds all of his. And the slide came back and sliced the hell out of his thumb, causing a bloody mess everywhere. Yeah, that doesn't make for a pretty sight at the gun range! No one wants to see blood. After he got himself cleaned up, he fired a few more shots before handing it over to me. I hadn't been shooting in years. MANY years. I started off only putting one bullet in the magazine at a time- not all six at once. It forced me to stop after each shot, breathe, and think hard about what I was doing.
In time, I started putting two bullets in the mag at a time. By the end of the first hour, I was up to all six ad standing to take my aim. I worked really hard through my fears, and found I was getting faster and more accurate as time drew on. It's silly to say that by the end of two hours, it increased my self-efficacy substantially. I walked away feeling powerful, knowing I could protect my family if I needed to. I hope to never be in a situation that demands it, but I feel confidant in myself.
Saturday, Cody wanted to hit up Cabela's. We were going camping as his Father's Day present and he wanted to replace a couple of our camping supplies. But what is it with men and that store? Don't get me wrong- I come from a very outdoorsy, camping, recreational family. I LOVE the great outdoors and spent all my childhood summer vacations in various state parks and national forests. But guys and this particular store....I'm not sure I get it. Hailey and Devin tagged along and after an hour, they both said they regretted coming. But at least they got to see the awesome aquarium, which is always a hit!
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| Me after I purchased what I needed and found a comfy chair, and waited on my husband. |
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