Monday, December 1, 2008

Should Have Been...

I just called to cancel my doctor appointment for Wednesday. It dawned on me last night as we were driving into town that I never cancelled it. We should have been able to hear the heart beat that day. Three weeks ago today I sat there in a dark and cold room and starred at the ultrasound screen in disbelief. It's only been three weeks, but it feels like three years.

Last night as Cody and I were talking in the car (kids were actually asleep for a few moments) and we were in and out of thought of the future. I mentioned how I'd like to return to school one day and study something new. I also mentioned how fortunate I am that I started having children at 23 years old, because I'd be so young when I return to school and would have many options. Then the words escaped my lips "And I'm only going to be 29 when this baby is born..."

Cody immediately put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me as I realized what I'd said. Sometimes I catch myself believing that we never lost the baby. There was a mistake and the baby is still there. And then reality hits me and my heart breaks all over again. Most of the time I think I'm doing okay. And then I remember that I'm not and it hurts like a knife through the heart.

9 comments:

Gina said...

Veronica! I keep thinking about you and how you are doing. I wasn't getting your updates, so I haven't checked your blog in a while. I hope you are doing okay! I'm not a member of the "club"-- but I do hope you know that I am thinking about you and trying to feel empathy for what you are going through! I love you and hope the heartache can be lessened for you soon.

Ute Family said...

Oh Veronica, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't imagine all of the pain that you feel. You've been through so much over the years so I'm sorry that more pain has been added to your history. Just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!

Living My Dream said...

I think the same thing every morning when I wake up... that the baby is still there and I had only had a bad dream. I wish I knew 'why' or what to say to make you (and me) feel better right now... but I know that we will both get through this and hopefully be better because of it! Hugs and prayers being sent your way!

Becky said...

I haven't read any blogs for a while and had no idea about your tough month. I'm so sorry V. That sucks. You're awesome and I know that Heavenly Father Is really there. You're in my prayers.

Becky said...

I haven't read any blogs for a while and had no idea about your tough month. I'm so sorry V. That sucks. You're awesome and I know that Heavenly Father Is really there. You're in my prayers.

Jeanette said...

All I can say is I am sorry. Your pain is real, and I am sorry for your hurt.

Miles and Bex said...

I am so sorry! I hope your drive home is good! Glad you got to see your family in Texas. I bet you loved it!

Margo said...

I haven't talked with you forever. I am so sorry to know that you are in such pain I wish I could take it away from you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Margo said...

I am so sorry to know that you are hurt and in pain. I wish I could take it away the pain. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care girl.

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