First Snow Fall

Last night as mom and I were winding down for bed, I noticed it was unusually windy and warm outside. That only means one thing. Snow is going to dump on us! Sure enough, we woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. Hailey came running into the room saying "Mom!! Winter came last night!"

Ethan had been running a fever last night so I opted to keep him home from school today. Even though he has a virus, I could not contain him inside the house. They BEGGED me all morning to let them go out and play. I caved and then spent 20 minutes getting everyone bundled up to go outside. The neighbor boy was out playing and they helped him build a tiny snowman. These kids are excited about the snow right now, but it will get old fast. Come March we will be wishing it away! We are in for a long season.

Granana's Help

Granana came into town very late on Tuesday the 20th (right after Jane left). She was here all week and I can't say enough how much I love my mom's visits. We stayed up late each night watching sappy chick flicks, drinking hot cocoa, talking, and taking turns cuddling with the baby. I was feeling quite a bit better (recovery wise) by the time she got here so I was up and about a lot more than when Jane was here. I was grateful because I was ready to play!

I love what a good grandma my mom is. She really loves my kids. In fact, I'm lucky to have a wonderful mom AND a great mother-in-law. I am so blessed! Their help these last two weeks has been priceless. I am on my own now, but I'm kind of anxious to start a new routine and fully embark on this journey of having four kids. It's very exciting and a little scary all at once. Thanks Mom, for all your help and support this week. I miss you so much already!

The Pumpkin Patch

Hailey's preschool had their pumpkin patch field trip on Monday. This is always my favorite field trip of the year, but I was afraid I'd have to miss this one because of the new baby. Luckily my mom's plans worked out perfectly so she was here to go and help with me! I let Ethan play hookie from school so he could go too.

I'd had a rough night with Devin the night before so I was a walking zombie all day long. Plus, it was FIERCELY cold outside. Very sunny, but windy and freezing. Devin had the best seat in the house because I kept him tucked inside my coat all morning. I feel like a real pro now because he ate most of the time, right inside my coat and no one had any idea he was doing so.

I feel bad that I didn't take a whole lot of pictures, but I wasn't feeling well and my hands were tied up in other things the whole time. But over all we had a fun day!

2 Weeks & First Bath

Two weeks have gone by! The time is already flying. It's amazing to me how Devin has changed in such a short amount of time. I am cherishing every bit of his newborn weeks because I've finally learned how quickly they do end.

His cord fell of over the weekend. I think his has lasted the longest of any of my babies yet. On Sunday evening we gave him his first tub bath and he hated it. The girls bathed on one bathroom while Ethan and Davin bathed in another. Ethan was a good helper, but he got discouraged when Devin started crying and wouldn't stop. Each of our babies have disliked that first tub bath, so he's no different.

Yesterday he went for his two week check up and second PKU screening. Not a fun experience! His little heel bled for over an hour. But he is right on track for everything and is perfectly healthy. Thank you Lord! He has put on almost a pound in the last 10 days, although he hasn't grown much in height to speak of. He is becoming super alert and loves to be talked to. He stays awake for a long time during the day and only wakes up once during the night to eat (after his last feeding at midnight).

He has started having a bit of tummy trouble, which has me stumped because I am not eating anything that could be gas producing in my milk. But about 10 minutes after he eats he has trouble getting gas up and he gets fussy and agitated. Hopefully it's just a phase that will pass quickly. Other than that, we are just loving this boy and couldn't be happier that he is in our family!

One more thing, yesterday in the mail we got his social security card and his health insurance card. I always get a little excited when we get those because it says that the baby is a REAL person! I love to see their names on such official documents.

Big Brother

Ethan has been waiting for a brother for a long time. When he learned that the baby was a boy, he was so excited and proud. During my whole pregnancy he would talk about having a brother and tell me about the things he would teach him. He loved to talk about him. He picked out new clothes for him at the store. He talked to him all the time inside my belly. He couldn't wait.

When they came to see us in the hospital after Devin was born, I was sad and a little disappointed that Ethan shyed away from him. I was not expecting that at all. He didn't want to hold him or even look at him much. When we got home from the hospital it continued. After a few days I asked Ethan why he didn't want to hold him. He said "Mom, I have a lot of germs on me. If Devin gets germs he'll get sick and die." That broke my heart! But what a good big brother to be so concerned.

Day after day he tried to get up the nerve to hold him, but he never quite could. Finally on Sunday evening he said "Mom, would it be okay if I held my brother?" Not only did he love and cuddle with him, he got to take a bath with him for the first time. Devin's cord fell off and it was time for a real bath. Ethan sat in the tub with him and helped. He is so proud to be a big brother! I look forward to watching their relationship grow. What a blessing they are to us!

Hailey's Halloween Program

Hailey's preschool had a Halloween program on Tuesday the 20th. Normally they do a big Christmas program, but her teacher is due to have twins in December so she'll be taking time off. Instead, they did a Halloween one this year and it could not have been more cute. Mrs. Kari made each kid a CD of the songs so they could practice them at home and we listen to them all the time in the car. I always look in the mirror and see Hailey in her seat doing all of the motions and singing along. She did such a great job in her very first school program! We are so proud of our Miss Hailey Jane. We love you!

Grandma Jane

This was the first time that Cody's mom has been able to come and help long term after we've had a baby. She was able to retire this year so she didn't have work to get back to. We are so grateful for that! She and Grandpa came into town two days before Devin was born. Grandpa went back to Idaho on Tuesday the 13th because he had some work to do at the house, but then he came back to pick her up on Tuesday the 20th.

Jane was a life saver to us. I have a new found appreciation and love for her. She cooked, she cleaned up all of the messes, she did laundry, she got kids up and ready and off to school...in a word she was amazing. And I'm so glad because recovery this go around has been very hard for me (being a 4th c-section). I had to lie in bed so much of the time and trust that my house was being run smoothly. I wish I had taken more pictures of her and the kids, but like I said I was not in much shape to be up and about. Thanks Jane, for all you did for us! We love you.

One Week Old

One week! I can't believe he has been in this world for a week already. We are all so in love with him, more and more every day. I am cherishing these newborn days. I've never done that before, but I feel so calm and relaxed so I'm able to enjoy it. I don't know if it's because he is my fourth baby, but I feel like I'm finally getting things right. I know what I am doing. I know that despite what I do or don't do, Devin will be okay. That's the amazing thing about babies! Here are a few things I already know about him, things I've learned in only seven days:

-He goes through 10-12 diapers a day. Sometimes he can easily poop 4 times in one hour!

-He LOVES to lie on my chest, and I love him lying on my chest. We sleep like that most of the time. During the night after he ate I laid him in his little bed, all snug in his blanket. He grunted and squeaked for several minutes and I could tell he was not happy. Knowing neither of us would get any sleep like that, I laid him on my chest. He cuddled right in and within a few seconds he was sound asleep. It was so gratifying knowing that he KNEW me and I was all he wanted.

-He does NOT like to be swaddled and never has. I'm not surprised by this because he was so stretched out in the womb. In the hospital when the nurses would swaddle him, he would get mad. He would rather lie flat out on a blanket and move his arms and legs rather than be bound. Maybe that means he has a really free spirit!

-When he's hungry and about to latch on to nurse, he snarles like an animal. It's the cutest thing.

-He's an incredibly good eater and I can tell he's already chunking up.

-He wakes up at night like clock work to eat every three hours. I love our time together during the night when the house is silent.

I can't wait to see this little guy's personality emerge more and more. I love him so much I can hardly stand it! There's so much to look forward to with this little guy. We love you, Devin boy!

Devin's Birth Story

What a week it has been! It all started on Saturday. October 10th was Cody's birthday and his parents had come into town the night before to stay for the week. The c-section (my fourth) was scheduled for Monday October 12th. I woke up on Saturday feeling terrible, and I was grateful Jane and Allan were in town because it gave me a break. I spent the day finishing up Cody's cake, doing the remaining laundry, and lying down. Jane cooked a really great dinner and we had Lance and Courtnee and crew over for a little birthday celebration that night. Jane made the most incredible chili and scones. I had no idea it would be my last meal.

All evening long my back was hurting me. A little more than normal, but nothing too unusual. Around 8:30 when we were getting kids ready for bed, I was almost in tears because my back hurt so bad. I told Cody I really did not want the baby to be born on his birthday! He laughed and asked me to "hold off" for a few more hours to make it past midnight.

I didn't sleep well all night, and at 4:00 I woke up to go to the bathroom. My mind was racing as I laid back down and then the contractions started. Nothing painful or regular, but annoying enough to not let me sleep. I went out to the couch and turned on some infomercials. I sure wish I'd gotten something to eat during that time! It would have made the next several hours a little easier.

The contractions kept coming and it was about 7:00. I had planned on getting up to be at a couple of church meetings by 9:00 (I know I am insane to have still be willing to go that morning....I mean Ward Council and PPI are so fun). But I decided against it and texted the bishop to let him know I would not be there. I showered and got ready for the day and thought the warm water would relieve the contractions, but it didn't. Then woke Cody up to tell him I needed help with kids. My back was really killing me and I told him I was going to call Mike (my OB).

I paged him and when he called back I told him the situation. He told me to come into L&D to be monitored to see if labor was in fact happening. With this being my 4th c-section, he didn't want to take the chance of a uterine rupture. Cody woke up his parents, we finished packing what we needed, and then Cody gave me a really beautiful priesthood blessing. I was pretty nervous by this point and that sweet prayer calmed my nerves a lot. In the blessing he prayed that the doctors would be guided to know what to do and that the decisions they made would be the right ones. He also prayed that the surgery would go very well and that the baby and I would be fine. I am so grateful for a husband who holds the priesthood and is able to help me find peace when I need it.

So we were off! When we got to L&D the nurse practitioner said they were waiting for me. I was hooked up to the monitor and put on an IV. The contractions were still coming, but they were somewhat irregular and moderate, but they happening nonetheless. The nurse kept in close communication with my OB (who was on his way to his nephew's missionary homecoming). Mike thought that the IV fluid would slow or stop the contractions. But instead they kept coming and got a little stronger. The nurse did a full pelvic exam and when she checked my cervix I about kicked her in the face and screamed. It hurt so much! She said that baby was really low and that his head was sitting right there. No wonder I had been hurting so much! And he had been breech, so maybe what caused all the pain on Saturday was him turning.

After being on the monitor for about four hours, I fell asleep. I was so exhausted and I'm still shocked that I feel asleep! I didn't know I had, but Cody said I was snoring. When I woke up I was thinking "Cool, I guess the contractions stopped so now I can go home and EAT!!" I was so hungry but of course I couldn't eat or drink anything. When I came to, the nurse told me that the contractions were too strong and frequent and that they wanted to go ahead and do the c-section. I could not believe that I had slept through hard contractions! I've heard of women doing that but I thought they were full of it. Nope, I had done the same thing. I guess when you are tired enough you can do anything.

So I got into my gown, was asked a million questions by a million people, filled out some paperwork, made the anesthesiologist swear he would not paralyze or kill me, and headed to the O.R. Cody had gone out to the car to get my bag so he missed all of the pre-op action. I really hate that part. But I must say that the anesthesiologist did an incredible job and I didn't even throw up while I got my spinal. I think that each doctor has their own cocktail of drugs they give you, and this guy hit the nail on the head. It was the least traumatic anesthesia I've ever had. It felt like I was floating in a bubble bath during the whole surgery. And I wasn't really groggy, only very very relaxed.

One of the best parts is they left my arms free and un-tethered. I had discussed this with Mike earlier and he made sure they didn't tie me down. I guess with a fourth baby I knew what I could and could not touch during surgery. I was really good to not break the rules! I was flabbergasted at how smooth the operation went. While I was in pre-op, they talked to me about the risks specifically attached to a fourth c-section. They said I should be prepared for a long surgery to clean out all the scar tissue. That's what I was expecting, but Mike commented several times during the surgery that there was hardly anything in there! Not much scar tissue to speak of. I could not believe it!

There was a giant tug and a pull and I think an elephant sat on my chest because I couldn't breathe and I almost started to panic. Immediately after I heard "Get ready to meet your baby boy" I heard him SCREAM!! I have never heard one of our babies scream so loud and so early. Especially with c-section babies it often takes several seconds to clear their lungs enough to make them scream. But this guy screamed his head off from the second he was pulled out! It was 2:15 p.m. when he entered this world. And then he peed everywhere three times before they had even wiped him off.

I was elated. And I was so happy to have been as coherent as I was because I was aware of what was going on around me. But still I was very relaxed as they brought him over to me. Having my arms free was such a blessing. This was the first time I"d gotten to hold my baby so close after delivery. I was able to cuddle with him forever, and the best part is that Mike arranged it so the baby could stay in the O.R. with me during the rest of surgery. That is almost unheard of! It was an incredible bonding experience. The only time he was taken from my sight was when he was measured and weighed on the other side of the room. 7 pounds, 7 ounces and 20 inches long. Not quite as big as we'd thought he would be, but his size was absolutely perfect.

I was stitched up in no time, and again they were amazed at how little scar tissue I had inside. That was nothing short of a miracle. What that means is if Cody and I do decide to have another baby, I am completely in the clear to do so. What a blessing. I do NOT want something like scar tissue determining our family size!

Back in recovery, the baby stayed with me the entire time. After I stopped shaking violently (like I always do) I was able to really hold him. And better yet, the sweet nurse in there urged me to do skin to skin. This is something that has never been offered to me. When I felt his soft and warm body against my chest, I about cried. I have never had an experience like that before and it was truly amazing. Whoever says that holding a fresh baby so closely doesn't contribute to bonding...they are so wrong. It was as if something chemical took place in my brain as I held him like that. He stayed tucked inside my gown for the whole time I was in recovery. I even nursed him like that and you'd think he'd done that before! The vampire latched on right away and went to town. From that second on nursing was never a problem. I am so grateful that all my babies have been such good nursers. I really feel for mothers who have a hard time with it, I really do.

The baby peed on me twice while he was naked on my chest. And I couldn't have cared less! His body was perfect and everything was functioning as it should. His violent bladder was a testament of that.

The rest of the day seemed like a dream. Of course it became terribly painful once the spinal wore off, but I was so happy and as a result the pain was bearable. Even with the pitocin in my IV and the after birth contractions excruciating, I had my sweet baby to hold and nothing else mattered. The nurse even bathed the baby right in my room next to my bed. In the past this has always been done in the nursery while I was in recovery. I felt like this go around the nursing staff could not have gotten things more right. Again, such an amazing experience.

We made it through the first 24 hours which are always the hardest. With the exception of some busted capillaries in my breasts on Wednesday that caused me to produce a lot of blood with my milk (and a heck of a lot of pain), there have been no bumps in the road. I am so grateful to the Lord for allowing me such a wonderful experience. This has been a very trying few months for me and my family, and I feel that He took mercy on me by allowing me such a beautiful thing. God truly is great!

Welcome Baby Devin

So happy to be here.

Devin Joseph

October 11, 2009

2:15 p.m.

7 pounds, 7 ounces

20 inches long

Just Like Perky

It's not secret that I haven't been the nicest mom lately. Or the nicest person for that matter. I hurt, I ache, I throb in places, I can't sleep, I'm a hormonal mess, and I have three kids and a husband to boot. I am doing a lot of apologizing to them much of the time, which usually follows some undeserved outburst from me.

The kids (and I) are huge fans of the Marc Brown "Arthur" series. I have loved these books for as long as I can remember and we own almost all of them. Yesterday we were reading "Arthur's Pet Business". In the book, Arthur desperately wants a dog but he first has to prove to his parents that he's responsible with animals. So he starts his own pet business to prove this to them.

One of his clients happens to be a little dog who is not so nice. Her name is Perky and she's like the dog from Hell as she stays at Arthur's house. They figure she is just mean natured, until they discover one day that she has given birth to puppies under the bed. After that she is a sweet dog and very lovable.

As we were talking about the book yesterday, Ethan made a stunning comparison. He said "Mom, do all moms get mad and cranky before they have babies?" My jaw about hit the ground. How observant of him! I couldn't help but laugh because I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Yes Ethan, a lot of mommies DO get cranky before they have a baby."

I then explained a little about why mommies hurt so much when the baby gets too big, and how everything irritates them, and how they can't sleep, and how their tummies hurt, and how eating food hurts too. Like I said before, it is no secret that I haven't been nice lately. Too bad my kids see it so clearly! Hopefully I will be a much happier mommy soon. Thanks Ethan, for bringing that into the light for me!

Last OB Appointment

Today was my last prenatal appointment with Mike. It hit me as we were driving to the hospital that it would be my last one with this pregnancy. As much as I am dying to have my body back and meet my little baby, I am a little sad at the thought of not having these appointments in my routine anymore. I always go through these feelings when I have a baby. I get so accustomed to seeing the doctor, nurses, and staff so often that when I'm not up there anymore...it is a bit of a let down. I really and truly love Mike and his amazing staff. They have "lived" with me through three of my babies now. I completely trust them with my life and my baby's life as well. They are so good to us.

We took a picture in the exam room. I did this right before Lauren was born as a way to document my sidekicks and their patience with me through the 9 months. The kids have gone with me to every appointment, with the exception of the first exam and ultrasound. They love the staff as much as I do, especially since they always give them candy.

The kids and I also made our traditional walk over to the new maternity wing to see the new babies. Again it hit me that in a few days (or less) I will be staying there! Ethan always asks which room will be mine. Don't know yet!

Why is it that my kids love the hospital cafeteria so much? They always ask to go there and I always say no. Way over priced food. But I promised them that when they come to meet the new baby, Dad will take them to eat there. They are so excited about that. Of all the things to get excited over. It's not the new baby, but the hospital food.

Mike gave me a guesstimate for the baby's size. He's thinking as of Monday the 12th, he will be 8 pounds 11 ounces. I threw in that he'll be 22 inches long only because I feel like he is longer than he is heavy. Mike is pretty good about knowing weight and size, so we'll see!

On a side note, I really love this time of year on the U of U campus. They have some major construction going on so we took a big detour and went all through the heart of campus. It brought back a lot of good memories for me and I gave the kids a "tour" of mommy's time there. Ethan kept saying "You mean before you were a mom?" Yes Ethan, BEFORE I was a MOM! Hard to believe there was ever a time like that.

Just a few more days. It's a little bittersweet knowing that in a few days I will have to share this precious boy with the rest of the world. I kind of wish I could hold him in a little longer only because I'm selfish like that. But he's cooked and he's ready to greet us. We love you sweet boy, and we can't wait to meet you!

I've gained 4 pounds in the last week. UGH!! Ready to be skinny again :)

Halloween Kick-Off

Tonight we kicked off the Halloween season. We made caramel apples and ate them while we watched "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". We've watched that show as our kick-off for years and it never gets old. We love it! The kids had fun doing apples. They never turn out pretty when kids help, but that's not what it's about. Here's to a fun filled October! By the way, caramel apples and freshly bathed kids don't mix well :)

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Soccer Team Pictures

Soccer season is drawing to a close! I got their team pictures back and they turned out well, but in Hailey's group shot I have no clue why she is in the back. She's the shortest on the team. The kids had fun playing and Cody and I had a good time visiting with other parents at the games. Hailey was on the Red Hawks and Ethan was on the Black and White Knights. Way to go kids!

Surgery Anxiety

I got up for the third time during the night to go tinkle at 5:30. For some reason as I was trying to hoist myself back up after my "business", I was overcome with an intense and creepy feeling of dejavu. It dawned on me that in just a few days I will be having major surgery- again. Getting up and down from the toilet is always so hard for the first few days. So it hit me this morning as I tried to do so in my prenatal and ginormous condition.

I laid in bed for the next three hours and was filled with anxiety. I've had many people say to me "Oh you are a pro at having babies now so you're probably not scared ta all." HA HA HA!! That couldn't be more un-true. I think the more times you undergo something traumatic, the more aware you become of what could and does go wrong. I am so fully aware this time of exactly what happens before, during, and after the procedure. And the more I think about it, the more panicky I get at the thought of all of it!

I imagine what it will be like that morning when I get into my gown and get prepped for surgery. They will likely stick me over and over again as they try to find a good vein. Then a genius (me) will finally speak up and say "You have to stick it in my arm, right below my elbow. The back of my hand DOES NOT WORK!!" Then they will get it right. Maybe this time without the bribe of $20 for getting it on the first try.

Then I'll be hooked up and monitored for a while to see how the baby is doing as we wait for the doctor to arrive. The stress of it all will likely bring on contractions, like always. After an hour or so and bantering back and forth with the nurses, it'll be time to get wheeled into the OR. When Hailey was born I made the mistake of walking myself into the OR. I was feeling good and wanted one last walk down the hall before I'd be confined to a bed for hours on end. There is reason why they suggest you get wheeled in, rather than walk in. It's best if you are lying down and can't see what the OR has to offer. There is something disgustingly erie about seeing those sharp metal instruments all neatly laid out on the table. The instruments that will slice and dice and leave you in agony. When I walked in an saw all that I about hit the ground. A nurse had to catch me.

After I get wheeled into the OR, they will have me sit up on the table and at that point I will begin to shake uncontrollably. I will likely throw up too. It's amazing what a straight shot of adrenaline can do to a person. They'll have me take several deep breaths and then the anesthesiologists will come in and get me ready for the spinal. Oh gosh, I think this is the worst part of all. I HATE getting the spinal. I don't know how I manage to stay still through it all. I feel like I'm about to pass out! A very cold and burning sensation runs through my back and then through my whole body. They quickly lie me down and then start the test pokes. "Can you feel this? Can you feel this? What about here? How tender is this spot?"

Once the spinal fully takes over I think I can't breathe. I know I'm breathing okay, but since I lose control of all feeling from my chest down my mind plays tricks on me. Then the sheet goes up, I get tethered to the crucifix, that special tube goes into my nose, and I can hear lots and lots of voices talking all around me. I never know exactly how many people are in the room, but I know it's a lot. Oh I forgot one very important thing. Somewhere between the initial numbness of the spinal and the beginning cut, I get catheterized and shaved. Oh the joys of being a mom.

The cutting starts. Things get pretty quiet. The anesthesiologist talks to me trying to monitor my coherence. I wish to God I could just pass out. The claustrophobia is almost more than I can handle. They tug, they pull, and at one point I think they have ripped my chest apart because of the intense pressure. I can't feel my lower half, but I feel LOTS and LOTS of pressure. They get close to my bladder and have to cut adhesions away and the room gets deadly quiet. This is possibly the scariest part of the surgery.

The anesthesiologist continues to talk to me and he says "Get ready to meet your baby!" There is a huge amount of pressure and just when I think my diaphragm is being sat upon by a nurser, they pull the baby out and I can breathe again. My heart is racing and my mind is racing as I patiently wait to hear that first cry. I know it's only a matter of seconds, but to me it's hours before I hear that nasally screech. Oh, music to my ears!!

By this point I'm dreadfully cold. I don't know if it's the loss of blood, but I think I'm about to die of hypothermia. They get the baby washed off and fully suctioned, wrapped up, and he gets brought over to me. But I'm tethered to the table and I can barely turn my head to see him. Cody is holding him and he takes him down toward my hand so I can at least stroke his little head. Then he comes closer to my face and we are cheek to cheek. I always start crying because of the unfairness that I can't have him on my chest. I'm always so envious of people who get to have normal births, mainly for that reason.

We have our tiny moment, and then he's taken away to the nursery to get assessed. Cody will go with him at that point and suddenly I'm all alone. I lay there shaking and crying as they stitch me up. It seems that it takes hours, but in reality it's usually about thirty minutes. Finally the time comes when they hoist me from the operating table to the bed that I will reside in for the next four days. I always think the sheet is going to rip in two as they lift me up with it. But it never does.

I'm wheeled into recover and I am shaking even MORE than before. If all goes as it should, my sweet baby should be waiting for me when I get into the recovery room. With Hailey it took hours before they remembered that I wanted to see her. Oh man, don't get me started on that bitter tangent.

Idiots.

With Lauren I had her the second I was in recovery and she didn't leave my side for the next four days. I pray to God that it happens like that again. My awesome doctor has said that he will personally walk down to the nursery and get the baby himself if I don't have him as soon as I should. Good doctor.

I will hold him for the first time and I will be in love. By this time the shaking should start to wear off because I'll probably be under the heated blanket and I'll have the circulation leg cuffs on and my body temp will come back up. Ahhh, blessed relief. He and I will have our first nursing session and I'll be so happy. I am thinking positively that it will go smoothly like it always has.

And then in a short while, all hell will set in as the spinal wears off and the pitocin drips kicks in. I will be hurting like nothing else! And that's when the fun begins. It'll be a terrible twenty four hours. I just have to remind myself that it's very worth it because I'll have my sweet little boy. I'll look back at the last nine months and know that I would do it all again in a heart beat.

Okay, I can do this. I can do this! Only one more week to dwell on it.

10 More Days

I look back at the last four years and all that we have been through since the experience with my second pregnancy. Life has a way of teaching us lessons. Getting from point A (July 5, 2005) to where we are now has been an adventure, and I don't think we'd trade it for anything.

One day I want to sit in the Celestial Kingdom and have my loved ones surrounding me. I long for the day when I can embrace my sweet brother again and never have to say good-bye. I miss him so much on a daily basis that I can barely breathe. There is so much I want to say to him. Just being able to see his cute smile and hear his laugh again is enough motivation to send me to Hell and back...if it means that I've been refined enough to be with him and the rest of my family forever.

We don't get to that point in our eternal progression with out experiencing heart ache. Often times, immense heart ache. I think about what Joseph Smith and Jesus Christ endured during their mortal lives. If I am ever to attain salvation equal to their own I have to endure pain too. But with that pain comes indescribable joy. And so I sit here and I think of meeting this new baby boy, who is likely in the company of his Uncle Joseph at the moment.

The thought of meeting and holding a spirit so fresh from Heaven brings me to tears. I can't wait. 10 more days!!!

October 1st

I hate the first of the month. That's when the mortgage and van payment is due. Oh... and it's also the day Joseph died. I can't believe it's been three months today. 1/4 of a year has gone by, but it's still as raw as it was then.