Four Years Down

We’re coming up on four years since our lives forever changed.  How has it been four years?  My heart has beat roughly 176,000,000 times since then, and when I really think about it, I don’t know how it’s possible.  I don’t know how a mother or father can really go on living when they’ve lost a child, but somehow we’ve done it, and it’s remarkable.

Four years ago this month, something unprecedented happened in my religion.  A group of women gathered together and peaceably petitioned the leaders of the church to allow women to be ordained to the priesthood if they so desired.  It escalated.  It got messy, and in the end, the leader of the movement was excommunicated.  I won’t go into the details because it’s not important, but it’s important for what it meant for me.  I mourned with the woman who lost her standing in not just a religion, but an entire way of life.  Not only that, I mourned with the women around the world who were defeated alongside her.  I was vocal and in being so, was kindly told to shut up and sit down, but I didn’t.  I got louder because I too had a voice, and I was using it. But in turn, I was criticized and belittled and lost several people from my life who no longer wanted to associate with such an apostate.

Three weeks later, my son died in an accident.  It took no time at all for people to come out of the woodwork- church leaders, friends, family, etc.  Many people took it as their sacred obligation to call me to repentance, saying this was my wake-up call.  The Lord was trying to change my heart, and it took losing my son to make that happen.  And you know the worst part about it?  I believed them for a while.  I believed that Garrett was sacrificed so that I, his mommy, would get back on the straight and narrow because I had veered so far from it. 

In four years, I’ve been on a pilgrimage that has taken me everywhere.  If there’s a feeling, I’ve felt it.  If there’s a question, I’ve asked it.  It there’s a drink, I’ve tasted it.  And if there’s a God who truly loves me, I’ve begged and pleaded for him to let me know and to help me find the right path.  But you know what’s happened? Not a lot.  I’m wandering just as much as I’ve ever done, but the thing about it is that I’m not lost.  Just because I wander, does not mean I’m directionless.  It means I have faith in myself to stumble and fall and get back up again, going back to the drawing board each day, seeking the next corner to round or path to follow.  

Nothing about this has been linear, and that’s okay.  Life is complicated.  The road map is convoluted and sometimes it changes as my circumstances change.  I no longer believe that Garrett died to save me because that would mean there’s a fascist God in Heaven who moves me around like a pawn, and I can’t believe that.  I am the governor of my own life.  I still have friends and family who worry about me and especially worry about the salvation of my family, but to each of you, know this:

I am okay.  We are okay.  If there is a Heaven above and if families are eternal, then I believe it will be worked out at some point.  I don’t believe in an absolute religion, and perhaps I don’t believe in a religion at all. I don’t know.  My feelings and beliefs change from day to day, and there’s not a one size fits all paradigm to which I subscribe.  Life experience has molded me, IS molding me, and will continue to do so.  Your life experience is doing the same to you, and I encourage you to own that, just as I’m owning my story.  To my friends and family who continue to love and support me even when I don’t dress the kosher way or drink the kosher way or speak the kosher way, thank you.  Thank you for being there because I need you in my corner.  Thank you for your open mind and accepting heart.

Four years down.