Texas 2020- Getting There

It's taken me weeks to get to a point where I could write these words.  The last time I wrote about "Getting There," was the last time I'd ever write a word in our old life.  I remember specifically sitting on the porch swing with my laptop as my children swam.  We'd been there less than a day. I was mere feet away from them and I was deliberate in every word I wrote; trying to perfectly describe the tranquility I felt in that moment.  Garrett sat next to me, wanting to sneak a finger to my keyboard every now and then when I glanced up to watch the other kids.  He sat next to me as my shadow, like he always did.  Life was, in that moment, close to perfect.  I wrote about our adventure driving the 1,200 miles with Gov.  I wrote about the beautiful desert rainstorm we passed through in New Mexico.  I wrote about the sadness I felt at pulling into the driveway, because the trip had been so pleasant and I hated for it to be over, but how I looked forward to the fun the next two weeks held in store for us.

Three hours later from the time I wrote those words, I found Garrett face down in the swimming pool and right then, time was divided in two.  Our lives, from that second on, would be forever categorized as "before" and "after."

It took five years to finally go back and face the Jabberwocky that haunted our dreams.  Last year, we flew on an airplane.  We hadn't flown since 2009 when at least two of our kids were still young enough to fly for free.  After that, it became too expensive so we began driving each year. But last year being our first year back, it made sense to make the trip as easy as possible. This year, six years out, I wanted to rip off that next band-aid and face the very highways and interstates that took us to that fateful summer.  So here I go, finally gaining the courage to chronicle our Texas summer in the same manner I used to.  Only this time, there's a certain kind of heaviness and awareness in my heart that wasn't there last time.  I'll do my best to write about the wonderful things that happened, and not focus on the perpetual pit that lives in my soul.  Because for all intents and purposes, this trip was wonderful.

Philip was good enough to fly up and make the drive down.  In years past, it was always Gov (my dad) who flew up, drove down with us, and then Cody would at some point fly down there and when our trip came to an end, we'd all drive back together.  We had a system, and it worked well.  But Dad has gotten up there in years and making that trip is quite difficult for him.  The baton has been passed to Philip, who just so happens to be one of the kids' favorite (if not THE favorite) person in the world.  Okay okay, maybe he's one of my favorites, too.  He definitely puts the "fun" in funcle.  He flew into town on Saturday afternoon, and I debated as to when we would hit the road for Texas. Maybe Sunday, maybe Monday. Dunno.  Truth be told, I was a terrified mess and my demons were loud; screaming, spewing, angry, and all-consuming. I couldn't even bring myself to pack, for the last time I packed for that very road trip, I would not be bringing back one of my children alive.  

Even though I knew Cody was feeling all of it and more, he was fantastic to talk me down from that proverbial ledge more than once.  I finished packing, took an extra sleeping pill, and decided to try and get some rest before the trek the next day.  During the night, I made the decision that I was truly not ready to drive our regular route.  I wasn't ready to face the same roads that took us there before so the next day, we made our way not south through New Mexico, but east through Wyoming and then south through Colorado.  Yeah, it was going to take longer, but for the sake of my mind and heart, I needed to do what was best for my sanity.

We were off.  And as always, Philip did a superb job of distracting all of us with stories, silly voices and characters, and so much laughing that our sides hurt.  We made it to Bloomington, Colorado and called it a night.  We checked into the motel, and I went back out to find some dinner in that tiny town that was already asleep.  McDonald's it was, and I brought it back to our rooms and smelled nasty fast food remnants for the rest of the night.  Devin slept in the bed beside me and although I drugged myself, my adrenaline wouldn't turn off.  Visions crept in time and again and I recalled with perfect clarity, sleeping in a hotel room in Albuquerque with my two youngest boys on the night before we pulled into my parents' driveway.  I remember holding Garrett close against me as he slept and I breathed in the sent of his freshly washed hair.  Lying in bed with Devin and only Devin in Bloomington was hard.  My mind wanted to relive everything and for about the fiftieth time, I doubted my decision to take my children on the road like that.  I imagined what it would be like to go back home without one of them, as they slept in a cold morgue.  No, no, no.  I COULD NOT go there, but that night, it's the only place my mind wanted to go.  And then sometime in the around 4:00, I was granted a fraction of peace and I finally slept.

Back on the road in the morning, I was surprisingly clear-headed.  Across Colorado and into Kansas.  People talk about how dull Kansas is, but I love it each time I'm there.  I love America' heartland.  I love the endless miles of emerald green cornfields.  I love that it's where Clark Kent was reared. Philip and I had great conversations driving across Kansas, and I felt a smidge of harmony, driving a route to Texas that I'd never taken before.  Along the way, Philip and I talked about "The Witcher." I'd recently finished the series (and am reading the books), and it peaked his interest.  He decided to start watching it on his phone, but the light outside made it impossible to see the picture on his phone.  So what did Mr. Engineer do? He took an empty Cheez-It box and put his phone in the bottom of it, making a View Master (remember those?). It was hilarious and I had to snap a picture! (He will kill me...but it's too funny not to remember this way.)

We drove straight down through Oklahoma.  I love Oklahoma and it reminded me of the time in 1990 when we went up there for a family reunion, and then my grandpa took us on a family history tour of where he was raised.  Sometime around 8:30 that evening, we crossed over the Red River and were officially in Texas.  My heart was a conundrum of emotions.  Even though it had been difficult emotionally, I'd truly enjoyed the trip with Philip and my kids.  Pulling into the driveway brought back a bittersweet sense of dejavu, but I prayed that nothing about this trip would resemble the last time I pulled into that very driveway with my children in tow.  Just because I was sad that the 1,400 miles were done, did not mean that we would suffer the same fate as in 2014.  It was great to see Granana and Gov and of course, be greeted by the entourage of canines (five, to be exact). Mom's health has been in severe jeopardy for a while (I'll get to that later...and explain why this trip was 100% about my parents and family and not about seeing old friends). Hugging her was cathartic, to say the least. The first leg of the three weeks was over, and we made it safely.  

Once the kids were in bed, Philip and I sat in the quiet living room and that's when it began to hit me.  My adrenaline started racing, I started sweating, and I was horribly dissociating.  PTSD and its nasty face was showing in fullness, and it was terribly hard to control, but I'm proud because I didn't have a full-blown attack like I did on our first night back last summer.  I fought through it and this time, it was a mild episode.  When I was finally calm again (or at least calmer), Philip and I wound down by watching an episode of "The Witcher." I got drowsy half-way through and decided to try to sleep, and I did the craziest thing.  Rather than sleeping in the bedroom at the end of the house furthest away from the one I shared with Devin ad Garrett on the night before the accident and never slept in again (they call it the "Green Room" because it has sage green walls), I decided to sleep in...the green room.  Last year I couldn't so much as step foot in that room because of the memories it elicited.  This time, I faced it head on.