Be Still My Soul

Tonight Carli sent me a text with one word that made a grenade go off in my chest.

Malignant.

After a final and very detailed MRI this evening, they doctors discovered that the tumor had spread and it has escalated into cancer of the brain.  After waiting on pins and needles all evening to hear, I read that and threw myself on the bed and cried into my pillow until I was dry.  And Liam isn't even my child.  My heart can barely take it and I'm not his mother.  He didn't grow in me and I didn't nurse him and rock him and sing him to sleep.  I can only imagine what his own parents are feeling and it's absolutely horrible.  No words can describe it.

I prayed all day, both silently in my heart and aloud.  And the kids and I gathered on the living room floor and knelt down and each took turns praying.  Even Devin prayed on his knees with his arms folded tightly around his chest for his old friend.  And when it was my turn, I could barely speak because the tears were falling so hard and the words caught in my throat.

Tonight, the pain that the Webb family is feeling is pain that no one should ever be allowed to experience.  Ever. 

Carli sent me a text tonight and said that Liam told her he promised to get better and that she shouldn't cry and then offered her his binky.  He's such a strong little guy with much left to do on this earth.

I feel hopeless and helpless.  There's so much I would LIKE to do for them, but nothing that I can but rally the troops and pray like I've never prayed before.  Prayer has always been a mystery that has eluded me.  I really have no idea how it works or why we are told to do it, because God is the ultimate planner and already knows Liam's fate.  But still, we pray because there is nothing else we CAN do.

So in this moment, I offer this up to Heaven-

Dear Lord.  I am so incredibly thankful for the friendship and love of the Webb family.  I am so thankful for the chance to know Liam and see him blossom through the years and to bring light to people in his life.  I know that you are mighty to heal and that all things are possible through you.  I pray that the Webb family will know the comfort of your Holy Spirit tonight and in the weeks and months and even years that lay ahead.  I pray that they will feel the loving arms of angels wrapped around them, and that they will know how close to the veil of Heaven they truly are.  Please help them to know that through this trial, more people are coming to know Christ.  Bless them with the knowledge and assurance that because of Liam, so many lives have been and will continue to be touched.  Help them to know that a huge army of friends, family, and even strangers are rooting for them and loving them.

Bless Liam's sister, Kennedy and his baby sister that has not yet been born.  Bless them in the future to know how incredible their brother is and how much love he has for them.  Please comfort Kennedy as she makes this difficult transition without her best friend and playmate by her side as he undergoes treatment and surgeries.  Help her to have the faith and hope that only a child can exhibit.  Help her to not feel sadness, and when she does, wrap your loving arms around her and hold her close.

And please, God, if it is your will, please heal this beautiful child.  Bless him that his body will respond to the treatments and that he will continue to be strong and happy, especially on dark days and when he feels pain.  Bless the physicians and medical staff to know how to best help him.  Guide the surgeons as they remove his tumor on Monday and in future surgeries that they will know exactly what to do and to get him through the surgery safely.  Please give him health and strength.

Please, Lord.

I sat down at the piano numerous times today and found comfort in playing.  Hymns have a way of soothing my soul like nothing else can, and I played this song over and over and over again.

Be still, my soul, The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.