Monday, November 2, 2009

Missing Joseph

I've always loved the Thanksgiving season. And I find it sad that Thanksgiving gets over shadowed being squished in between Halloween and Christmas. But it's been one of my favorite holidays for as long as I can remember.

As I was thinking about the new month we're in and making plans for the upcoming weeks, my heart suddenly sank. I realized it was one year ago that I saw my dear brother last. We drove to Texas to spend the holiday with my family after I'd suffered a devastating miscarriage earlier in the month. It was healing to be around people I loved so much. That week is filled with some of the best memories of my life. Nothing spectacular happened, but there was something almost magical about that time. Maybe the Lord made it that way for us because He knew it would be our last.

I don't think Thanksgiving will ever be the same for me, or for the rest of my family either. There will always be something missing. It's been four months and one day since Joseph was taken from us. And to be honest, it hasn't gotten much easier. Everyone has told me that time heals the wound that death leaves behind. But no where near enough time has passed. I still miss him and it's still as raw as it was four months ago. I guess the only thing that has gotten easier is that I don't "belly flop" near as often as I did in the first few weeks. I think my mind has almost accepted the fact that he is gone. But the pain is still there and it burns. I don't think it ever stops burning. At least I can't imagine it not burning anymore.

It's like a terrible itch that I can't scratch. And no matter how badly I want to scratch it, it's just unscratchable. That's what his death feels like for me. I can't bring him back. I can't talk to him like I could before. I know one day I will be with him again and he'll give me one of his huge Joseph hugs, but in the meantime all I can do is imagine that day. And cry.

This time of year is hard. I miss you, Joseph. I always will.

2 comments:

Ev said...

Last t-giving was very eye-opening. It was a great one, though. I'll give you that. I've been dreading this one, too. But it'll be ok, and we'll all make it through. Joseph would want it that way.

Chambers Family said...

You make me cry, and I only remember the little mischevious Joseph. I'm still so sorry for your family. That would be so hard. I guess we just have to count the blessings of the gospel when it comes to that. I wish you guys the best.

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