"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Heavenly Father, Are You Really There?

It was one week ago tonight that I realized I was losing the baby. It was only seven days ago, but so much has happened during that time and it seems like seven years ago. I've never had to process and deal with so much emotion is such a small period of time.

Today was the Primary program at church, and since I am the pianist I had a very large part in it. For days I've been dreading it, and Jules and I even talked about the alternatives to me playing (she is the chorister). We rehearsed yesterday at the church with all the kids and I seemed to do okay, but I felt like death and I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.

Last night my sweet friend Katie came over and we sat on my couch and talked until 1:30 this morning. She has suffered with severe infertility and has tried for years to have a baby, to no avail. So I cried for her pain, and she cried for mine. I then wasn't able to fall asleep until about 4:00 this morning and I had my mind made up that someone else would have to play the piano. I was staying home so I could wallow in my misery.

But it was Ethan's first time in the program and I couldn't miss it, so I got up and showered. While I was in the shower I talked to the Lord and asked for help so I could get through the day. Then suddenly I saw what seemed like a glimpse of the baby and it gave me strength. I won't say it wasn't hard getting through the program. I completely lost it and cried uncontrollably as we did "A Child's Prayer".

Heavenly Father, are you really there?
And do you hear and answer every child's' prayer?
Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.
Heavenly Father, I remember now, something that Jesus told disciples long ago.
Suffer the children to come to me.
Father in prayer I'm coming now to Thee.
Pray, He is there. Speak, He is listening.
You are His child. His love now surrounds you.
He hears your prayers. He loves the children.
Of such is the Kingdom, the Kingdom of Heaven.

The tears poured freely from my eyes as I played and took in the words to the song. I was shaking like a leaf, but somehow I didn't miss a beat. Patti and Maria, two of the sweetest ladies I know, sat behind me and cried with me. I've heard that song and played it a thousand times, but somehow today, I felt the Lord sitting right beside me on that piano bench and His arms really were surrounding me in love. I like to think that He cried right along with me as I was hurting.

I am amazed that I got through the program and only missed on a couple of notes. Then we had so much fun in primary as we let loose and celebrated the wonderful program we had been working so hard on. I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful women in life who are there for me. They are such great people and I am lucky to call them my friends. I am truly grateful to have them in my life. And with them helping me, I know I will be okay.


Joey and Nettifer said...

You did an amazing job in the program - I of course always sit in the back because I am always late and I didn't hear one note dropped!

We heard all those kids cheering in primary during sundayd school - how fun! Way to go.

Did you get my messages?

Patti Cook said...

I think you did an amazing job lady and appreciate your sweet spirit! Thank you for helping us out - I have had lots of compliments on how beautiful the music was.