He Knows Me

The last eighteen hours have been a roller coaster for me. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that I've had some eye opening experiences. Yesterday, of all days, when I was having a pitty party and wanting to be a kid again, something happened that helped me see that the Lord is very mindful of me. Just think of it. The Lord we worship, the same one who created the universe, knows me by name. I know He does. Right now I feel a burst of empowerment that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel sick and very tired and plain worn out, but at the same time I feel like I could move a mountain. I'm thankful that I'm able to feel Heavenly Father's love in such a capacity.

You Can't Go Home

Today I feel sad. I don't know if it's the weather or if it's first trimester blues. It's likely a mix of the two and how could anyone blame me? My stomach is in knots and it's snowing outside. Here it is the end of March and it's 37 degrees and yucky. It seems morally wrong to be so cold in the spring. Or it could be that I spent a while talking to my sister on the phone today and we inevitably reminisced about childhood and growing up. Right now I feel small and I want to crawl under my Strawberry Shortcake bedspread and cry.

Sometimes the thought of being a grown up and having so much responsibility scares me. Sometimes I wake up and think I've only been playing house and realize that the kids' parents aren't coming home to relieve me of my duties. These are my kids. This is my mortgage. That is my minivan sitting in the garage which I pay a good amount on each month. These are my stretch marks covering my body which tell me that I am in fact the mom. And it's normally a good feeling when I realize I'm in charge. But today I want to be little again.

I want to curl up in bed with my Babysitters Club and my Judy Blume books and escape the world. I want to be a Brownie again and have weekly meetings at the Deerfield Rec Center. I want to marry mud with Melissa and get exiled from Day Camp. I want to live in my old house again at 18307 Shireoak Drive. I want to ride my bike around the greenbelt and go to Wilson Elementary. I want to have sleepovers and toilet paper houses. I want to go to piano lessons and drive my family crazy as I practice "Over the Rainbow" time and time again. I want to get up early and go to swim practice. I want to go on camping trips with my family. I want to wake up on Saturday mornings to the sound of a ban saw and the smell of saw dust as my dad works on his latest project. I want to make up stupid plays and force my siblings to star in them and act them out for family night. I want to play on the swing set in the back yard. I want to be young with out a care in the world.

I had a great childhood. Not everyone is lucky enough to have the experiences I had. I don't take it for granted. I want my kids to have the same childhood that I had. It wasn't perfect, but it was really good. I have a wonderful mom and dad and six colorful siblings that made things interesting. I am blessed. Right now my old Strawberry Shortcake bedspread is packed away in the crawl space. I think I'll wash it and cuddle with it tonight and escape with "Kristi's Great Idea"...if I can find it.

Baby Check Up

I went in this morning for another check up. I'm a little over ten weeks and feeling terrible. I know I said a couple weeks ago that the morning sickness was all but gone. I lied. It came back thirty seconds after I made that post. This is the time in my pregnancies when it peeks and is the worst. The good news is that it should start letting up in the next couple weeks. That's typically my pattern. My boobs are so sore and so huge (if you can imagine them being any bigger) and I swear they are full of milk already! No joke.

And the exhaustion...you should see my house. There has been popcorn on the living room floor for two days now and Frosted Flakes spilled on the kitchen floor. No energy whatsoever to clean anything up. I ran Ethan to school right after my appointment and came home and crashed on the couch for two hours. So much housework needs to be done.

And get this- there is a load sitting in the washer that I have yet to move to the dryer. I am so tired and so lazy feeling that instead of moving clean clothes from the dryer (which would require me to empty one of eight laundry baskets which are currently holding clean clothes) I am leaving the clean clothes there in the dryer. But that means that wet laundry is sitting in the washer and has been there for days. I don't want it to get moldy, so I keep running the cycle. I've run it six times now. That is how tired and sick I am. Where is my mommy when I need her? Waaaaaaahhhh.

The good news is that this terrible feeling that stays with me 24 hours a day isn't for nothing. I got to see our sweet baby again today. Everything is perfect and he has a good strong 175 BPM heart. It's amazing that I'm not even to the end of the first trimester and already I can see him moving all over the place, waving his nubby hands, rolling over, etc. As I looked at him on the screen today, it dawned on me that I'm still in the legal range to have an abortion of I chose to. Who...on earth...could ever kill such a live baby? It makes me sick and I could have cried as I thought about it. And our wonderful and Heaven sent president thinks it is perfectly fine to do so. Oh how I loathe the man.

Now off the soap box, as you can see I'm referring to the baby as a boy. Not because I think it's a boy, but because I chose a gender to refer to it as for the next few weeks. I hate saying "he/she" or "it". We'll re-evaluate things in a few weeks when we know for sure if it's pink or blue! And it's been four weeks since I took a picture of my belly, but I'm not bothering to do so today. Nothing has changed and I'd have to clean my bathroom mirror to get a non-fuzzy shot. That ain't gonna happen. Maybe in a few days.

In case you can't translate sonograms, the top picture is a side view with his bum at the left and his head at the right. That's his arm sticking up in the middle. The bottom picture is a crow's eye view. That's the top of his skull at the left and his hands on either side. If you look closely you can see toes where his feet are!

Lauren- 18 Months

Lauren turned 18 months on Saturday. 18 months! Where is the time going? We have thoroughly enjoyed this first year and a half of her life. She is the sweetest, funniest, most energetic little girl. She's developing quite an attitude, but it only adds flavor to her personality. Today she had her 18 month check up and everything is perfect. Here are her stats:

Weight 21 pounds=7%
Height 31.25 inches=28%
Head 18.5=64%

She is tiny and petite, but very healthy and vibrant.

Here are some things about Lauren that make her...Lauren.
-She doesn't sit in a high chair anymore. She has been in a booster at the table with the big kids for a while now.
-She gets into EVERYTHING! Her favorite thing to do is help me unload or load the dishwasher. She thinks it is her responsibility to do it. She loves to grab the silverware and hands it to me while saying "Here ya go". The top rack in the dishwasher is starting to end because of her pulling up on it.
-She climbs on everything. Lately she's figured out how to climb up the bunk bed ladder.
-She is the world's lightest sleeper. She wakes up to any sound, no matter how small. It will be a while before she can share a room with Hailey because of that.
-Will fold her arms for the prayer each time.
-Started nursery yesterday and loves it. She's been dying to go for months.
-Wears a size 3 diaper and a size 4 shoe.
-When asked "Who wants to take a bath" she raises her hand and says "YEAH!!"
-Dumps buckets of water all over the floor from the bath tub if Mom is not looking.
-Dances in circles and loves falling down because it makes us laugh.
-Tries very hard to keep up with the big kids. She's much more independent than her siblings were at this age, probably because she has their example.
-Hates being buckled into her car seat. She screams every time I do so in the garage and the neighbors probably think I'm beating her.
-LOVES baby dolls. She carries them around everywhere and plays Mommy to them.
-Is a water bug. She loves the swimming pool (definitely one of my kids!)
-Constantly gets compliments about her beautiful curly hair.
-Loves "My Little Pony" shows. When she first hears the theme music, she starts snapping her fingers and bopping her head with a huge grin on her face.
-When she sees the "Baby Einstein" caterpillar go across the screen, she squeals with delight.
-Has the cutest calves on her legs. They are chubby and soft and I love squeezing them.
-Only has six teeth, but she can eat anything. -Throws food on the floor when she is done eating, then says "down" and hands me her plate.
-Must sit on top of the bathroom counter while I'm doing my hair and make up. She stands there with her arms raised and says "down" until I put her on the counter.
-Has up and down mixed up.
-Adores her big brother. She loves when he rescues her. Her new favorite thing to do is shut herself inside a room, lightly knock on the door from the inside and says "Eshan, hep!" over and over again until he comes and opens the door for her. Then the games starts again.
-Favorite phrase is "Wan shome!" (I want some)
-Loves having her diaper changed.
-Climbs up and down stairs with ease.
-If she doesn't get her way, she lies down in the floor on her back and kicks her legs and lets out the most pathetic cry.
-Gives the best hugs and kisses.
-Loves going down big slides all by herself.
-Only poops in her sleep while napping or in the wee hours of the morning. Her room smells delicious when I go in to get her.

Yesterday was her first day in nursery and she did a great job. No fear, no hesitation. It was a little sad for me, but also a relief because now I can play the piano in peace without her little hands "helping". And of course, I had to snap some picture to document the milestone. She's such a big girl now!

My Sweet Husband

Even though he doesn't read this blog, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good husband. He's not at all perfect, but sometimes I'm reminded of how great he is and I should tell people about it more often.

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. Kids and the stomach flu will make any mommy tired, but by about 4:00 yesterday I was in tears from exhaustion. This pregnancy alone is been sooooooo tiring and I've been so sick. Add a day of nothing but catching vomit, being vomited on, and cleaning it up- well it would make anyone cry. But especially a pregnant lady.

My friend Katie came by yesterday and after venting to her for a while she suggested we go to a late movie after kids were in bed. This is something I NEVER do. Ever. The last movie I saw in a theatre was in April 2008. The one before that was in April 2007. It really is a once a year thing for me to do. I'm always so hesitant to leave Cody at home with kids because it makes me crazy with guilt. But yesterday when he got home and saw the condition that I was in, he didn't think twice when I said I wanted to get away. He was so sweet and even asked if I needed him to run up to the ATM to get cash for me. I love him. So we ordered a pizza, put kids to bed, I got myself cleaned up and I left.

What a fun night we had. The movie didn't start until almost 10:00 so that is really late for me to be out. We saw "He's Just Not That Into You" and I have to say it is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. So full of twists and turns and irony. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good chick flick.

I worry that Cody gets annoyed at what a bum I am on Saturday mornings. After feeling so bad Monday through Friday but having to fight through nausea to get kids taken care of, fed, dressed, entertained, etc...come Saturday I don't have much more to give. So lately on Saturday mornings Cody has done everything for the kids. I feel bad because Saturday is supposed to be HIS morning to take it easy, after having gotten up at 5:00 each morning. I really hope he doesn't think I'm a bum just lying around during the morning. It won't be like this forever. In about one month I'll have my energy back and the nausea will have subsided. I can't wait for that day, and I'm sure he can't wait either. Thanks Cody, for being so good to me.

As If I Wasn't Sick Already!

We have a round of the stomach flu circulating our house. Hailey wined and moaned all night and kept waking me up. I wasn't happy about that. Then she started throwing up first thing this morning...as soon as the sun came up. If nothing else, it was very considerate of her to wait 'til the light of day. Then Ethan woke up saying his stomach hurt too and he lost it all over the carpet. So now they are camped out on the couch with their puke bowls on the floor, both running fevers but unable to keep even water down. As of now Lauren isn't sick, but it's only a matter of time until she gets in on the dance.

Right now I feel like God's playing a mean trick on me. My morning sickness is in full force (10 weeks is always when it is the worst) and now I'm dealing with my own issues plus the stomach flu. Oh, life is so fun at times. This is the first weekend in a long time that we don't have anything going on. Right now I'm grateful for that. But I'm disappointed because it is an incredibly gorgeous day outside and I had a zoo outing planned for this afternoon. Bummer!

Bike Parade

Mrs. Kari is always coming up with the best ideas for the preschool class. This week they have been working on the letter "B" so they brought their bikes on Wednesday and had a bike parade. It was really cute watching all of the kids on their scooters, trikes, and bikes all decorated. Ethan still lacks confidence on his bike but he fell only once. I was very proud of him! At the end of the parade all of the kids threw out candy from their pockets for all the younger siblings and parents. What a fun day!

Swim Lessons

Ethan and Hailey started swim lessons yesterday. This is the fourth or fifth session that Ethan has done since he was three years old. This was a first for Hailey. This was the first time we've done the 3:30 session and I love it! Ethan only has one other kid in his class and Hailey is the only one on her class. Also, they get to do these lessons in the Leisure Pool which is a little bit warmer and not nearly as noisey.

Ethan took to it right away with no reservations. It's taken him a while to get to this level of comfort at the start of a new class. Hailey on the other hand, was very nervous. Especially when she realized she couldn't wear her arm floaties. We have instilled the fear of God in her that if she gets in a pool with no floaties on, she will drown. That back fired a little and she would NOT do the lesson and cried for the first ten minutes. Then the teacher suggested she wear them for that day and then Hailey was happy and loved doing the lesson. On Wednesday we're going to try it again with no floaties. We shall see!

Lauren was excited to get in the water but like the younger sibling has always done, was not happy that she had to wait half and hour to swim. We are a family of water bugs!

And what would a trip to the Rec Center be with out climbing on the wall? I think we might get a family membership to the Rec this year. It's a great place and the kids absolutely love it.

A Weekend With Grandma and Papa

On Saturday afternoon Cody's parents came into town. We had a to-die-for taco bar with all the fixins and strawberry shortcake for dessert. On Sunday we came home from church, had a great spaghetti dinner, and then raced to the park to take advantage of the beautiful evening. Again, everyone else had the same idea because the place was packed! I love it when there are lots of friends to visit with. Some might call that breaking the Sabbath, but I call it a great opportunity to spend time as a family and see people we sometimes never get to see. Grandma and Papa left this morning to make their way down through Southern Utah/Colorado to see some sites. Thanks for the fun visit!

A Beautiful Mid-March Day

Do days get any prettier in March around here? I'm sure they can, but today was great nonetheless. It was also great that my tummy wasn't giving me too many problems. Ethan had Tommy over to play...and play they did. Around 3:00 Emma called to see how the boys were doing and suggested we go to the park. So she strolled over with Lucy and we "cara-strollered" over there. The park was the happening place today! Stockton and his brother ended up coming out and the boys played some football. What a great afternoon!

Hailey insisted on wearing her winter coat all zipped up and hooded...but she also insisted on wearing flip flops. She's a girl after my own heart.

This was our first real park outing in the months since Lauren has been an excellent walker. Has it really been that long? Winter was a long one. I was amazed at how eagerly she climbed up all the toys. She got to the top of the big slide and I was expecting her to turn around...but I was wrong! She spent an hour doing this over and over again. Her brother and sister have NEVER been this adventurous.

You gotta love perfect weather days!

Where Are You Summer?

This afternoon the girls got new bathing suits while we were at Target. I fell in love with this brown one! As soon as we got home, the kids wanted to put their bathing suits on. Sorry kids, it's freezing outside and there's still snow on the ground. Hailey wouldn't keep her suit on because she's an exhibitionist, but Lauren pranced around in hers for two hours. She knows she is cute! Ethan and Hailey start swim lessons on Monday and it's all they can talk about. Summer can't get here fast enough!

Spring Fever

NINE days! Count them NINE days until the first day of spring! However, that means nothing where we live. There is still a foot of snow on the ground in areas around here. Last year it snowed off and on until the first week of June. I really hope that does not happen this year! I am very excited about getting our garden going. In years past I've had a tiny 10x10 foot plot, but it's in a bad place and it's no where big enough. This year we are going to do a much bigger one. We're still deciding where to put it, but it will happen.

Even though the flower beds are covered in snow, I'm very excited that my bulbs are starting to sprout and poke their heads out of the snow. I only hope the snow is all gone before they decide to bloom!

This afternoon Hailey and I started zinnia seeds in a greenhouse. I have always loved zinnias and they remind me of my grandmother's garden. She always had the most incredible flowers, especially zinnias. It will be fun to watch them sprout over the next few weeks. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to keep them alive into the summer!

8 Week Ultrasound

I knew this pregnancy would be nerve wracking for me, but I under estimated how much so. I seem to over analyze every symptom and read into things way too much. It's driving Cody crazy. On Saturday I wasn't sick at all. I went from throwing up bile last week, to no sickness this weekend. Yesterday I was a tiny queasy, but not enough to convince me I was still pregnant.

I talked to my doctor and he is so wonderful. He's always more than happy to see me any time and do any kind of test (within reason). So he got me in for an ultrasound within 45 minutes of talking to him! I knew my nerves wouldn't let me wait another day so I quickly dressed the kids, combed their hair, threw some clothes on myself, and headed out the door. I was very nervous about taking the kids with me to this particular ultrasound because we hadn't told them about the baby yet. Ethan somehow found out about the last pregnancy and he took the miscarriage pretty hard.

Let me just say that I have the sweetest, most mature, strong, and compassionate five year old boy. He actually held my hand and stroked my hair during the test, just like Cody would have done. I was really nervous and he kept saying "It's okay Mom. Everything is fine. You're going to be fine." Wow, I love that kid!!! My fears were settled when the tech and the doctor agreed that everything is perfect. The baby has a 163 heart beat and is measuring right on. I'm still not sick today though. The doctor said I should count my lucky stars that I feel better! He also said he's always happy to have me in when I feel nervous. I wish everyone had a Dr. Mike!

Fancy Girl

I took Hailey in to Insta Care this evening for something and then we headed to Walgreens to get her an antibiotic. She was so good and brave at the the doctor and I promised her a treat of some kind. She picked pink gum for her and wanted to get Ethan some gum too. She's such a sweet girl. And she saw something else that caught her eye. Press on nails. I couldn't believe a three year old would want such a thing! Then I remembered she is my child. All things girly, all things fancy. Tonight when we got home she couldn't eat her dinner fast enough because as promised, I put her nails on her afterwards. I love that she is so much girl. The nails only lasted half and hour before she asked me to take them off. I figured that would happen.

Bile...Mmmm

I always throw up first thing in the morning. There's just no better way to start your day! And before you suggest to eat some crackers before getting out of bed...save your breath. It doesn't work for me and I'm now to the point where I LOATHE crackers! This morning I threw up bile. This is always a pregnancy milestone for me because morning sickness just isn't morning sickness until green goo stares up at you from the toilet bowl!

It's Amazing How One Forgets

I have to preface this post by saying how truly grateful I am for the uncomfortable baby symptoms I'm experiencing. With every pang of nausea is the reminder that a healthy baby is to blame. I keep comparing this to the pregnancy we lost in the fall and I was not this sick by any means. There wasn't enough HCG to cause the same sickness back then. SO my super high hormone levels this go around mean things are good. So every time that feeling swells up in my throat, I breathe a sigh of relief that the bean is still there. I put a copy of the ultrasound on the fridge and taped copies to the toilet tanks as well. So each time I'm puking my guts up I'm reminded what it's all for. And I'm so happy for that.

That being said, however, I feel awful. I get sick earlier and earlier each pregnancy. At five and a half weeks it hit in full force this time. Last weekend I was sitting at the piano practicing when I had to run to the bathroom for my first of many puke sessions. On Friday it lasted the entire day and the poor kids watched movie after movie while I laid on the couch. Yesterday wasn't as bad, but it was still pretty bad. Today has been horrible. I don't how I managed to keep playing during a few songs in primary. I've found that all I can tolerate is sucking on Jolly Rancher candies. Green apple ones. The more sour, the better. They seem to keep that heavy feeling in my throat at bay.

Nausea is even hitting in the middle of the night. Last night I barely slept because of it. I have medication to take for it which is affective, but I only use it as a last resort because I hate the side effects. Zofran causes me bad head aches and insomnia. It's always done this to me. I'd rather suffer through it for the next few weeks. But oh, what a long few weeks it will be.

This picture was taken right at six weeks. It's amazing how quickly I pop out. I don't understand women who can hide a pregnancy for months on end. In the next two weeks I will be in maternity pants (right now I'm wearing stretchy yoga-type pants everywhere). In the next three weeks I'm sure the maternity shirts will make an appearance too.