"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

You Can't Go Home

Today I feel sad. I don't know if it's the weather or if it's first trimester blues. It's likely a mix of the two and how could anyone blame me? My stomach is in knots and it's snowing outside. Here it is the end of March and it's 37 degrees and yucky. It seems morally wrong to be so cold in the spring. Or it could be that I spent a while talking to my sister on the phone today and we inevitably reminisced about childhood and growing up. Right now I feel small and I want to crawl under my Strawberry Shortcake bedspread and cry.

Sometimes the thought of being a grown up and having so much responsibility scares me. Sometimes I wake up and think I've only been playing house and realize that the kids' parents aren't coming home to relieve me of my duties. These are my kids. This is my mortgage. That is my minivan sitting in the garage which I pay a good amount on each month. These are my stretch marks covering my body which tell me that I am in fact the mom. And it's normally a good feeling when I realize I'm in charge. But today I want to be little again.

I want to curl up in bed with my Babysitters Club and my Judy Blume books and escape the world. I want to be a Brownie again and have weekly meetings at the Deerfield Rec Center. I want to marry mud with Melissa and get exiled from Day Camp. I want to live in my old house again at 18307 Shireoak Drive. I want to ride my bike around the greenbelt and go to Wilson Elementary. I want to have sleepovers and toilet paper houses. I want to go to piano lessons and drive my family crazy as I practice "Over the Rainbow" time and time again. I want to get up early and go to swim practice. I want to go on camping trips with my family. I want to wake up on Saturday mornings to the sound of a ban saw and the smell of saw dust as my dad works on his latest project. I want to make up stupid plays and force my siblings to star in them and act them out for family night. I want to play on the swing set in the back yard. I want to be young with out a care in the world.

I had a great childhood. Not everyone is lucky enough to have the experiences I had. I don't take it for granted. I want my kids to have the same childhood that I had. It wasn't perfect, but it was really good. I have a wonderful mom and dad and six colorful siblings that made things interesting. I am blessed. Right now my old Strawberry Shortcake bedspread is packed away in the crawl space. I think I'll wash it and cuddle with it tonight and escape with "Kristi's Great Idea"...if I can find it.


Julie said...

You are indeed very lucky, Veronica. oonly to have had a great childhood but for the great life you have right now. No, you cannot go back but you can at least remember your childhood with fondness, you can call both your parents and talk to them, you can visit them and they visit you.

You have so much and you are one of the luckiest person I know.

Would you like me to e-mail you a few Strawberry Shortcake pictures of my daughters' room? Or SS birthday pictures? I have a few that would make you laugh so hard.

Call your parents now and ask them to come and visit.


PhillipsFam said...

I don't know if I should be - but I'm totally laughing out loud about "Krisi's Big Idea"!! LOVED those books! and while my strawberry shortcake comforter is actually a blanked (my grandma made it for me - sooo funny that you have the same one!), I gave it to Morgan so I can see someone else enjoy it! I liked the reminicing stuff - a fun read!

btw - it's too funny to me that in each picture you look like a different child of yours - the 1st looks like Lauren, the 2nd Ethan and the 3rd Hailey (to me anyway!)

bethany said...

I have days like this...but I usually want to go back to my college days/single days...that was the life man-no one but yourself to worry about-freedom. Not that I don't love to be married, but there was so much less to worry about!!

Carli Webb said...

well, hag out with me and you are living your childhood. haha! If you want me to, I can come over and play the tasting game, make up a play and we can do it for our hubbies. Or, we can have a sleepover and pretend to go to Schlitterbaun the next day. haha!

Jeanette said...

As I was driving down Clay road I thought of you today. If I remember right, your neighborhood was on the right hand side. I still think of you as a young woman. I think you were a Laurel when we moved. Where did the time go?

Pregnancy is hard. It seems to highlight all of the glum things in life. It's the hormones. Take it easy on yourself.

Ev said...