Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Sweet Lauren

I don't journal enough about this little girl. She is our 3rd child and somehow gets lost in the mix. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't provide me with plenty of journal worthy material. She is the most spunky and opinionated 2 year old I've ever known.

Lauren is our miracle child. I have mentioned many times before that we almost didn't bring her into this world. My pregnancy with Hailey was very traumatic and there were a lot of complications. And then I had such intense post partum psychosis after she born and I was hospitalized for a while. It was a terrifying time in our lives and we hoped to never experience it again.

We were told by numerous doctors that we should not have more children. Cody and I were both very saddened by this because we felt that there were in fact more children waiting to join our family, but we came to the conclusion that another family would have to "host" those spirits because I wasn't capable of bringing more children into this world.

I was in fact devastated by this. It hurt me so much as I packed up maternity clothes. It killed me as Hailey would outgrow clothing and I would pack it up to hand down to a friend or family member. All around me I could feel the presence of another spirit child. It haunted me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not shake it. But the thought of going through what I had experienced with Hailey's pregnancy and after math...it was too much for my heart to handle. And there was no way I could ever ask Cody to give me another child, not after what he dealt with before. That wasn't fair. And to be honest, I didn't know if I would survive another pregnancy and birth. My sanity sure wouldn't.

I prayed and I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would heal my heart and help me feel content with our two beautiful children and current situation. I prayed that the feeling of that lingering spirit would leave me. But it never did. So I then started changing the tone of my prayers. I told the Lord that if we were to have another baby, HE would have to make it happen in His own way. I could not make that conscious decision to become pregnant again.

Well, despite all modern methods of birth control, the Lord saw fit to bless us with another child. I recall those first few weeks as Cody and I walked on egg shells, always wondering and waiting for the bottom to fall out again. We were scared, to say the least. But to make a long story short, that pregnancy, birth, and everything surrounding it was a wonderful blessing. I had absolutely none of the complications that I did before. Things could not have gone more smoothly.

Lauren was in fact meant to join our family when she did. I can not and do not want to imagine our lives with out this sweet girl. She is an amazing person and we love her more than words can say. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed us another chance to have a baby. She is such a joy to us. Sweet Lauren girl, words can not express how much we love you.

1 comment:

Heather said...

LOVED reading this! I remember when you had Lauren and I prayed that you would be at peace, and you were :) Wish we lived close, Lauren and Laney would be such good friends!

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