I wish someone would tell me the rules. I'm so new at this and I don't know what the protocol is. It's been almost 48 hours since he passed. About 42 hours since we got the news. It's been a nightmarish couple of days and I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make sense of what I'm feeling. One second I'm not crying. I'm feeling pragmatic and I'm thinking about the funeral and trying to help my family by taking the lead and getting things done.
And then it's amazing how the next minute some random memory fills my mind and I'm overcome with grief, so consuming that I can't breathe. It feels like trying to swim against the tide on the ocean. You barely catch your breath and then another tremendous wave crashes down on you and you plummet upside down toward the ocean floor. I can't seem to escape that spiral toward the ocean floor.
I want to scream and cry out loud. But I feel like I have to stay composed. Perhaps if I don't, I won't be able to stop crying and I'll collapse. Today as I was talking about pallbearers with Dad, with out skipping a beat I listed Joseph as one of them. It seemed so natural to say. And then I caught myself saying it and my heart felt like it'd been ripped from my chest all over again. I don't know when this will let up. What if it never does.
Mom and I talked for a couple of hours today. I've never heard/seen her like this before. I hope to never see her like this again. It's one kind of grief to lose a brother who you adore, but it's another kind of grief to lose your baby boy who you adore. I don't know which is worse. They are both terrible in their own way.
I have a strong testimony of the resurrection. I know one day we'll have a joyful reunion with Joseph. But I don't care. All I can think if is how badly I want to see him right now. I don't want to wait years and years before I get to tell him all of the things I never got a chance to. I just want to hear his silly laugh once again...but even then it wouldn't be enough. It would leave me never wanting to say good-bye. I know this is temporary. The logical part of my brain knows it is. But I'm so devastated that I can't see past my selfish grief. This is sadness like I never could have imagined.
2 comments:
What a beautiful post for describing your feelings. That is not an easy thing to do. You are such a strong person and I really admire you for that.
Veronica it will be hard for a long time. When my sister passed away I went through so many different feelings. The first week I was numb and everything felt like a horrible nightmare and I kept waiting to wake up from it. Then I was angry, why did Heavenly Father take her away when she was young and still had her whole life ahead of her. I turned into the rock of our family and did much of the funeral planning. That was a huge help to me to have my mind busy all the time. Every once in a while I will have a memory pop up or something will trigger a thought and I lose it. But just know, from our experience, that with time it will get easier and that the first little while will be horrible, but rely on Heavenly Father to help you get through it. Your brother was needed elsewhere and as hard as it is to think of him as being gone you have to think that he is doing a much higher work. If you need anything let me know.
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