What I Would Say

I miss you Bofie. I dreamed about you three times last night. I woke up in between each dream and was devastated when I realized they were only dreams. In the first dream we were little kids again. It was very foggy and I don't remember much, but I remember you telling me that you had to leave for a while. I was sad and I didn't understand why.

There is so much I want to say to you right now and I sometimes catch myself talking to you through out the day. But I don't know if you can hear me. I wish you could, but at the same time I don't want you to see me like this. It would only bring you down. Why is it that the harder I try to get on with life, the harder the memory of you keeps pulling me back? I know you wouldn't want us to suffer like this. But we are.

I hope you don't mind but I stole your spare glasses from your book case. And I also have that box of 96 crayons that you had, the ones Matthew gave you as a gag gift for your last birthday. They are the ones with the built in sharpener on the box. My kids will NEVER use them. But I want them because they remind me of you. I put your glasses on the other day and I had forgotten how blind your were in that one eye. I hope you have perfect vision again.

I wish so many things for you. I wish that you could know this new nephew of yours. I wish he would know you too. Who knows, maybe the two of you are living it up right now...together. Maybe you know him better than I do at the moment. Be good to him. Teach him things that he needs to know. Tell him how much I already love him.

I love you so much and I wish I had told you that more often. The very first memory I have in this whole life is of the day you were born. We went to see Mom and you in the hospital and remember how I looked for you in the toilet? The crazy things that go through a two year old's mind. Since that is my first memory, I guess you could say my life began the day you came into it.

I miss you. I wish we could talk like we did when we were younger. I wish you knew the impact you had in this world...for the better. Your funeral was standing room only and I'm amazed (but not surprised) at the number of lives you touched. You touched my life, kiddo. I love you, Hazoor. I think about you every day and hope you are happy where you are now. If you see Schatze, give her a huge hug for me and tell her I'm sorry for not feeding her the night before she died. I hope she's forgiven me for that by now. And do the "voice" when you see Cubbie. I miss both of those girls too.