The hardest part of this has been watching my family suffer. Last night I had a complete breakdown as I thought of how this is affecting my little brother, Philip. He lost his best friend and his confidante. He is so angry at the world, at God, at the rest of the family...and I can't say I blame him. And as a result, I'm angry too. I know that the Lord only gives us what we can handle. I know that for me, I will get through this and I'll somehow be a stronger person because of it. I hate that I have to experience such pain, but I will be okay.
Philip on the other hand...I don't know. And part of me is angry with the Lord for giving this trial to him. He's not strong like me, or like the rest of us. I don't know why the Lord saw fit to take away his buddy, his big brother, the guy he adored and looked up to. It isn't fair. As I sit and listen to Philip cry, all I can think of is how badly I want to take away his pain. I don't want him to hurt. I wish I could hurt for him, suffer for him. I know that I can take it if the Lord would let me. I wish I could. I can't see him like this.
And in a way I'm very angry that life continues to go on around us. We are living in this little world of misery right now. Yet the 4th of July came and went and life goes on. As I read my friends' blogs and see the happy pictures of their festivities, part of me is filled with rage. How dare they be happy! How dare THEIR families not be devastated like ours? Why us? Why now?
I wish I could pick an emotion and stick with it. Cody gave me a beautiful blessing the other night. I go through spells of feeling very peaceful and strong, and then a minute passes and I fall apart again. Does it mean I don't have faith? Am I not as strong as I thought I was? Do I really not have a testimony of the Resurrection? I begin to feel guilty that I feel so distraught. If I really believed in the Plan of Happiness then I shouldn't feel like this, right?
And then I'm reminded of what it was like for President Hinckley when he lost his beloved wife. A prophet of God and perhaps the person on the face of the earth with the widest eternal perspective...even he had a terrible time when she died. He said at times it was almost unbearable. That gives me hope. I know this life is supposed to be very hard. The trials we encounter are supposed to push us and test us to the brink of our abilities. We are not supposed to skate through life on easy street.
But I wish so badly that it wasn't this hard for the people I love most.
Philip on the other hand...I don't know. And part of me is angry with the Lord for giving this trial to him. He's not strong like me, or like the rest of us. I don't know why the Lord saw fit to take away his buddy, his big brother, the guy he adored and looked up to. It isn't fair. As I sit and listen to Philip cry, all I can think of is how badly I want to take away his pain. I don't want him to hurt. I wish I could hurt for him, suffer for him. I know that I can take it if the Lord would let me. I wish I could. I can't see him like this.
And in a way I'm very angry that life continues to go on around us. We are living in this little world of misery right now. Yet the 4th of July came and went and life goes on. As I read my friends' blogs and see the happy pictures of their festivities, part of me is filled with rage. How dare they be happy! How dare THEIR families not be devastated like ours? Why us? Why now?
I wish I could pick an emotion and stick with it. Cody gave me a beautiful blessing the other night. I go through spells of feeling very peaceful and strong, and then a minute passes and I fall apart again. Does it mean I don't have faith? Am I not as strong as I thought I was? Do I really not have a testimony of the Resurrection? I begin to feel guilty that I feel so distraught. If I really believed in the Plan of Happiness then I shouldn't feel like this, right?
And then I'm reminded of what it was like for President Hinckley when he lost his beloved wife. A prophet of God and perhaps the person on the face of the earth with the widest eternal perspective...even he had a terrible time when she died. He said at times it was almost unbearable. That gives me hope. I know this life is supposed to be very hard. The trials we encounter are supposed to push us and test us to the brink of our abilities. We are not supposed to skate through life on easy street.
But I wish so badly that it wasn't this hard for the people I love most.
The classic "Mick" face. Geyaahh.
3 comments:
Oh Veronica, I hurt for you. I wish I could help in some way but I see through your words how strong you really are. You have gone through so much in the past few years and not many people could survive...you have. I admire your strength and faith in the Lord. You once told me during my time of trial, we all grieve in different ways and whatever way that is, its ok. I hope that you can all feel that spirit of comfort. Your whole family is in my prayers.
I have never lost a sibling, but I have lost other family members and even a good friend. Like you, I was angry. I hurt. I pleaded with God to take away my pain. In the end, I realized that the only way to deal with the pain is to not dwell on it. I HAD to move on. That is not to say I ever forgot them, and even now I feel a little sad when I remember them, but it is no longer the all-consuming blackness that it was.
I have had to deal with much the same with my infertility. That is a different kind of pain, but in some ways it is worse, because I have not even had the chance to love another. It used to kill me to watch other moms with their newborns. Sometimes it is still hard. But again, the Lord does not intend for us to dwell on things. He WANTS us to move on. To grieve is a good thing - it is a cleansing process. But dwelling on something becomes and obessions, which are not healthy for our bodies, our minds, or our souls.
So, take time to grieve, but do not let your grief consume you. Be there for others, but do not take their own grief to be yours - Christ has already done that. Be strong and keep praying, and the Lord will be with you and your family.
It doesn't mean that you have little faith. It means you are mourning. You have every right to your feelings. The ups and the downs. Don't be so hard on yourself. Listen to yourself in the silence. That is where answers come. And peace.
I am thinking of you and your sweet family. Y'all are in my prayers.
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