Joseph Died

...Actually saying those terrible words out loud is unreal. No, it's surreal. You aren't supposed to bury your baby brother. Putting a life in terms of past tense is wrong. He was not even 27, far too young to die. There was a terrible car accident in the wee hours of the morning today when his friend (the driver) fell asleep at the wheel. They were driving back from D.C. and Joseph had taken his seat belt off to get more comfortable. He was sound asleep and died on impact. The coroner is sure of it.

You never want to receive a phone call from your parents early in the morning. It can never be good. When the phone rang I knew something was wrong. My dad gave Cody the news. He came in and just held me, trying to figure out the words to say to soften the blow.

He was two years younger than me. My kid brother. Almost every picture I have of him, oddly enough, I'm in the picture with him. It's amazing the random memories that fill my mind and flood my eyes every time I shut them. Is it possible to become dehydrated from crying? I think I'm to that point. I don't know what to do with the last 12 hours. It's not supposed to happen like this.

All I can think about is the last time I talked to him. It's been months and I can't stop the guilt of that thought. But we've all been busy and life only seems to speed up. I keep thinking that I wish I'd hugged him tighter the last time I saw him. I wish I'd told him what he means to me, what the last 27 years of our lives have meant to me. I wish I had called him yesterday evening. I wish. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.