Normalcy?

I've needed to journal for some time. But every time I sit down to write...emotion creeps up and I fall apart. It's been exactly two weeks tomorrow that he left us. This has been the most unconventional trip to Texas we've ever taken, and I hope to never another one like it. As I walked through Wal Mart last night to pick something up, I was over come with a feeling of deja-vu and I was taken back to last summer. I wondered with sadness if things would ever be like they were back then. Cody told me they wouldn't. Something would always be different, be changed. We will all be forever changed. There will be an empty place in each of us where the light of Joseph's presence once dwelled. I long to fill it with something else, something that he would like. But right now I don't know what.

I have a lot of catching up to do in this journal, but it will have to wait for now. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to look at the 100 pictures from the funeral or re-live this past week. Being here with my family has been so healing, but so hard at the same time. Around every corner is Joseph. In every conversation he's brought up. We constantly wonder and ask "What would Hazoor think of this?" Sometimes it's asked with smile. Other times through tears. I know we will be okay. Things are better than they were even yesterday, and I pray that each day gets a little easier. But oh how I miss him. I long to sit down with him face to face and tell him how much I love him. What I would give for five more minutes with my little brother. I know we have eternity to talk about things like that, but I wish it was now.