"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My Voice Left Me

Today was our first day back in our ward after a four week hiatus. The month of July was terribly hard, but it is almost behind us. Being back among good friends was a strength today. I love my Primary presidency and I feel grateful to have such steadfast sisters by my side. I went to a meeting this morning and although my heart was not in it, it felt soothing to be in their presence.

I had a counsel with the bishop at the end of church and I left his office feeling uplifted. I have been worried that the mantel of my calling has left me, but he's certain it hasn't. That makes me feel hopeful.

As we sang the Sacrament hymn, I truly listened to the words. Never before has the Atonement meant so much to me. Never before have I had to rely on it so much. Never before have I had to trust the Savior like this. As I sang the words with the congregation, I had to stop to gain composure as my voice left me-


In humility, our Savior,
Grant thy Spirit here, we pray,
As we bless the bread and water
In thy name this holy day.
Let me not forget, O Savior,
Thou didst bleed and die for me
When thy heart was stilled and broken
On the cross at Calvary.

Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving;
Teach us tolerance and love.
Let our prayers find access to thee
In thy holy courts above.
Then, when we have proven worthy
Of thy sacrifice divine,
Lord, let us regain thy presence;
Let thy glory round us shine.


It hit me for the first time just how wonderous the Atonement is. I will never be able to repay what Christ did for me...and for my whole family. It's because of Him that we will live again with the brother we love so much. He did that for us. I wish I could put my grattitude into words. As they passed the bread and water I thumbed through the hymnal and this song hit me like a ton of bricks too. I've heard it and played it a million times, but again...now it has meaning to me.

There is a green hill far away,
Without a city wall,
Where the dear Lord was crucified,
Who died to save us all.

We may not know, we cannot tell,
What pains he had to bear,
But we believe it was for us
He hung and suffered there.

There was no other good enough
To pay the price of sin.
He only could unlock the gate
Of heav’n and let us in.

Oh, dearly, dearly has he loved!
And we must love him too,
And trust in his redeeming blood,
And try his works to do.



My heart is full.

4 comments:

Sarah Stiles said...

The Lord had a very busy day. I also had an astounding and overwhelming experience in Church today, which once again reminded me that although my troubles may seem great, He still has a plan for me, and He loves me so very much.

Joey and Nettifer said...

what a good day it was for you. I was so glad I got to see you and visit only if it was for a few seconds!

Ute Family said...

Oh, I cried. Those are a couple of my favorite hymns and I loved to just sit here and read them and have it reconfirmed to me that Christ lives and that he suffered all for us. And like you said, it is because of Him that we may return to our loving Heavenly Father again. I'm so gateful for your testimony and friendship and I'm excited to start working with you in the primary. Stay strong as I know you are...just remember the advice you gave me: we all heal in different ways and it's ok to break down every day and cry.

Joseph is so happy right now and feels all of your love, I know that with assurity!!! You are an amazing person and I thank you for your amazing example!

bethany said...

Isn't it amazing the tender mercies that the Lord sends us in our times of trial? Whether it is a hymn to remind us of an eternal perspective or the right words from someone around us, He always gives us assurance that we are loved and will live with him again.
I haven't been able to keep up with your situation as much as I would have liked because of the move and no internet, but I'm glad to see that your family is handling the loss well and realizes that our earthly life is only a rest stop in our existance. I'll be praying for you to have strength.