Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Unhinged

This has been a very hard week. Kids have been very sick and just when I start to see an end in sight, one of them starts puking, or has a fever spike, or has an ear drum rupture. And that only touches the surface of my week.

I'm exhausted, to say the least.

But tired or not, that is no excuse for the way I treated my children this evening.

Everyone has a breaking point, and I almost hit mine today. Ethan woke up this morning with a fever spike. Then he started throwing up. I am sick as well, but I don't have time to so much as lie down for twenty minutes. Laundry is piled up to the ceiling, carpets are filthy, the basement is atrocious, there are sticky chocolate handprints all over every household surface, there is a strange smell coming from the fridge, it looks like we are doing some sort of science project in the bathrooms...the list goes on and on. I have been trying to play catch up all week long, but someone is needing my attention almost 24 hours a day. And did I mention that I am sick too? Did I mention THAT??

I hate Tuesdays. Cody has Scouts on Tuesdays and isn't home until very late. I spent quite a while today getting some stuff ready to photograph to sell on KSL. I finally had all of my pictures taken and headed to the computer to start editing. Did I mention that sicky Lauren passed out on the living room floor this afternoon and took a four hour nap? At this point I assumed she was still sleeping.

I sat down to the computer to work on my ads. After lots of problems, I finally got it ready to click the final button and publish it. At that point Ethan yelled for me and said "Mom! Lauren has your phone!!" I groaned, knowing that she was awake and up to no good. "She got your phone wet!!" Ethan kept yelling at me. My heart sank and I ran into the other room to find my brand new $350 Samsung Solstice submerged in a glass of water.

"Phone needed a baff!" Lauren smiled at me.

I came unhinged. Unhinged like I never knew I could, nor had ever done before. That poor baby was the subject of my wrath. I am not a spanker, but I spanked her bottom. And I spanked hard. My poor Lauren, oh how I scared you. I am so desperately sorry and I hope you forget this day. The kitchen window was open and I imagine what my neighbors thought as I yelled and screamed and cried and threw things. Never before had I seen a look like that on my poor childrens' faces, and I hope to never see it again.

I grabbed the home phone and I called Cody. He answered. I sobbed.

"Please calm me down. Please. I might hurt someone." And I meant it.

Through sobs I told him what happened. I told him how hard my day had been already. And what did he do? He laughed! And that is why I love that man. He gets my crazy and he keeps it in check. How he stays so calm, I don't know. But he is a good balance for me. He talked me through it and did finally calm me down.

"It's just a phone, Babe. A thing. It's meaningless. Now you go grab our babies and hold them and tell them you are sorry. Sit together and read a book. Love them. I will be home soon and then we will all load up and head out to the phone store. It's going to be okay."

I did what he said, but when I called for Hailey she did not answer. I figure she was hiding in fear. I hate that my children fear me like that. I finally found Hailey. And what had that sweet angel done? She had gotten up on the computer and messed with things and exited out of the work I had been doing. Oh boy. Here we go again...Mom is about to lose it.

The amazing thing about Lauren is she is so forgiving. She is more forgiving than the other kids. As soon as I apologized to her (and I can never tell her how sorry I truly am) she wrapped her little arms around my neck and said something that turned me into a puddle of tears.

"You my best fwend, Mommy." And she followed it up with a big kiss on the cheek.

Here's the thing- it wasn't just about a phone. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in a life that I have no control over. I crave control, but sadly I don't have much of it in my life. And mommyhood is the main source of the powerlessness that I feel on a daily basis. That phone was only a small testament of this. I cried the whole way to the store and I cried in the store. And Cody let me cry because he also understood that it wasn't about the phone.

But he did insist that this time we get the water damage insurance.

2 comments:

Julie said...

Veronica, I know you did not liked a response I gave you on a previous entry. I am sorry but I will repeat myself. Your life is over booked, you need to let some things go. Trust me, please. You have to think of yourself and your children right now, make your life much simpler. Once your children are a bit older, you can do more things, be more involded in stuff.

Charity begins at home, remember that.

Your friend (even if you may not like me much right now),

Julie

P.S. E-mail me if you want to talk more. I had four kids under six once also.

Heather said...

Oh I so feel your pain, sister. I don't have four kids, but I definitely have days like the one you described. I'm sorry! None of us are perfect parents so don't beat yourself up over it.

Take care of YOU!

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