"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Surviving 2 More Weeks...And Then Some

Today has been really hard. Maybe it's because my phone started ringing this morning with Primary business and it didn't stop. Maybe it's because I spent four hours working on Primary stuff last night and I still felt unaccomplished and out of control at church today. Maybe it's because this baby has been stretched out in a diagonal position all day and my left hip hurts so badly as if I've just had a bone marrow transplant. Maybe it's because I contract on a regular basis and I'm always in pain these days.

I sat in church this afternoon and cried. I know I sound like a titty baby, but things are really weighing on me and I feel so inadequate to meet life's demands. Last night as I tossed and turned from discomfort and was interrupted three times for potty breaks, I got to thinking how good things are going to be when my body is finally relieved of this physical burden. The thought of it sounded good, until I realized that by expelling the baby from my body, I would then be encountering a much greater challenge- taking care of four children.

Am I up for the challenge? I don't know. I guess I don't have a choice at this point. He's coming, whether I'm ready or not. And in so many ways I am NOT ready. It seems that someone is needing something from me 24 hours a day. I wish I could say it's only my children who need me, but it's not. My church calling is so stressful and I toy all the time with the idea of being released and not holding another calling again for a LONG time. I've been in this calling for six months now and although I do see the blessings that have come from it, I see more so the stress.

In many ways this has been the most stressful six months of my life. This calling was issued to me out of the blue and when I finally started to get into the groove of things, major personal issues surfaced and that included the death of my brother. And now I'm frantically trying to get things somewhat in order to invite a new life into this world.

Tonight I pleaded with the kids that they have to help me over the next two weeks to keep our house in order. I can not do everything myself. Cody is a big help, but he's very busy with work and Scouts and he's so tired when he gets home at the end of the day. I always hate to ask him to do anything. Yet this evening he made dinner while I laid on the couch in and out of tears. And now he's upstairs doing the dishes, which proves he loves me because he LOATHES doing the dishes. As imperfect as he is, I truly love him and he's a great husband and father.

I know this is a lot of complaining. I'm not the first pregnant woman to feel overwhelmed. And I wouldn't trade this experience for anything because bringing life into this world is one of the greatest blessings one can be given. But it's hard, plain and simple. And I'm feeling it.

Tonight my sweet friend Anne reminded me of this quote. Neal A. Maxwell said " God does not begin by asking us about our ability, but only our availability. And if we then prove our dependability, he will increase our capability."

I really need to hear that.


Julie said...

Veronica, I will never understand your religion and its ways but I think asking you to be in charge of something when pg was too much. I did not approuve when you first talked about it and I feel even stronger about it now. Please ask to be replace and rest. Resting is more important than anything now. For you, your baby and your family. THEY must come first, they ARE your first responsability. You cannot be a good mother if you are absolutely and completely exausted at the end of the day. Already by being pregnant, you feel this way when waking up so adding more is too much.

These last few weeks are the longest. They seem to drag on, to never end. Please try to enjoy them anyway because we both know that you will miss having your son in your belly and feeling him kick. Although him being born will give you more energy. Taking care of four chldren will be easier than taking care of three children and being pregnant. I know, I have been there before. And I went on to have a 5th and now 6th child.

Please e-mail when you need to talk, alright? And I can give you my phone number too. My English is not that great but still, you will understand what I am saying, lol.

Take care and I am thinking of you.


Staci said...

I love how you 'keep it real' for the rest of us.

And I have to disagree with your friend, Julie. I agree that your family comes first...and the Lord knows this. I agree that your health comes first...and the Lord knows this, too. But what your friend might not know is that the Lord would never give you anything you couldn't handle. If everything were easy then we wouldn't have the opportunity for growth. To be stretched isn't the most pleasant thing in the world but it will help us to become closer and more like our Father in Heaven. I've been reading President Eyring's book 'To Draw Closer to God' and have learned so much.

I have walked in your shoes. I was Primary Pres. in Arizona...pregnant with Ford (#4). It's a lot to manage but that's why counselors are a must. And the art of delegation is so important. Because when you can't do anymore you pass the responsibility to one or both of your counselors. Yes, they may be overwhelmed too but they are in place to assist you. This is the Lords way...everything is in order for our benefit. And if we don't follow how things are done...then we'll get burned out.

Remember to pray always...I forget this time and time again and stress out and feel overwhelmed but I can tell you first hand that if you pray with a strong desire to submit to his will...he will bless you.

I don't mean to show any disrespect for your friend. I just think if you keep the Lord and Holy Ghost close...you will feel an added strength and support that you've never felt.

You are not alone. All mother's are going through something like you are at this very moment. Know you're not alone.


Ute Family said...

Veronica, you're doing great. I noticed your stress level on Sunday but like was stated above that's what your counselors are for. Delegate, delegate, delegate. You're an amazing President, don't ever doubt that. Joseph SMith said "Many things are put in our way not to stop us but to call out our courage and strength". The Lord knows you and your situation and He will help you. Good luck with these last two weeks...and everything after that. You're a great mother. I know this because its been proven with your kids. They are such good kids so I know you're doing something right :)