Monday, September 7, 2009

The Unwanted Money

Matthew sent me something in the mail today. He has been handling all of Joseph's financial matters since his death. Life insurance, 401K, and different accounts. He said he was dividing up what was left in his checking account between family members. I thought it might be $100 coming my way, if that. After all, we have a very big family.

The thought of getting any money as a result of his death has been hard to swallow. But my mother-in-law suggested maybe we should add it to our kids' savings accounts. I thought it was a good idea. When we got back from Idaho this evening there was a letter in the mailbox from Matthew. I knew what it was so I matter-of-factly opened it. My heart sank. Enclosed was a check for much much more than I'd expected. I won't say how much it was, but it was a very large amount. Apparently the Bofie liked to rat hole.

Of course it was actually a check directly from Matthew's account, but in the memo he wrote "Love, Jose". Another one of his many nicknames. I looked at it and my hands started shaking. Tears began pouring down my cheeks. I felt like screaming inside because I did NOT want that money. Having that money meant that he was dead. Plain and simple. I've received money when grandparents died. I never felt sad about that because you expect Grandma and Grandpa to go before you. You EXPECT that they will leave you a little something. I bought an eliptical machine with some money that came as a result of Grandma's death. But this money....it goes against the natural order of things. It's not supposed to be like this!

I remember well many times driving Joseph home from lifeguarding with me and he'd always want to make a pit stop at the store. Sometimes he wouldn't have any money on him so I'd drop him five bucks here and there. I used to lend him money a lot. And now there is a check sitting on my kitchen counter from him. He's actually giving me money and it feels so wrong.

All I want to do is take that check and put it away. I don't want to cash it, deposit it, nothing. I want it to always be there living on. Even though we could really use the money right now and Joseph would want us to use it, I can't bring myself to even look at it. I don't want to spend a dime. I don't know what to do with it. I'm lost. I fee like kicking and screaming and bargaining with the Lord to just send him back to us. I'd throw that check away in a heart beat if it meant having a few more minutes with him. Why can't it be like that?? I don't want that stupid money. I want him. My baby brother. My friend.

3 comments:

Margo said...

I am soo sorry this must be very difficult to accept. Know that your brother just wants you to be happy. I know you will put that money into good use and carry on the memory of your brother.

Janice and Jessica said...

Sweetie,

Cash that check and use it for what you need. Your brother wanted it to be that way otherwise he would not have had the insurance and other money. Look at it as his gift to you and your family and think of him everytime you use the item/items that was purchased. Kind of his ability to give something to you even after he is gone.

Julie said...

How about buying a tree and planting it in your backyard? Watching it grow will remind you of your brother and the special bond you two shared.

Nothing you say or do will bring your brother back, you know that. But, getting something to look at and enjoy watching grow with part of the money he left you might bring a smile to your lips everytime you look at it.

Thinking of you,

Julie

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