"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life;
to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, May 15, 2011

6 Weeks...and 31 Years Young

Garrett is six weeks old today. I can't believe we survived the first six weeks because it has been such a trying time. Today is also my thirty-first birthday and it's fitting that the two milestones are connected. When I turned thirty last year I didn't feel a lot different than when I was twenty-nine. But now that I am officially "into" my thirties, I feel more mature. It probably sounds silly and doesn't make sense. And now Garrett is six weeks old and I am getting further and further away from my child bearing years. Before long, it will all be a distant memory. I have struggled with my emotions about being done with this phase of life, and I've journaled enough about it in the last months so no need to rehash old feelings.

People told me I would be sad when Cody had his vasectomy. But I wasn't.

People told me I would be sad when Garrett was born. But I wasn't.

People told me I would be sad when we left the hospital with our last baby. But I wasn't.

People told me I would be sad when Garrett outgrew his newborn diapers. But I wasn't.

And all this probably makes me sound cold and heartless and honestly, I think it does too. I had braced myself all along for how sad I would be as we crossed each milestone, and as they came and went and I was left feeling nostalgic but in no way sad, I was surprised. And all I can think of to explain my feelings is that I know we are done having kids. All of the spirits that were intended for our family are here and accounted for. There are no more players sitting on our bench, waiting patiently for their turn to be born. All seven of us are here together on earth and it is a very joyous feeling. So the fact that we are not having anymore babies is actually a happy thing because it means we are complete. And completeness is a great thing.

Garrett is lying next to me, contently sucking on a binky and looking around. His tummy is empty and he's about to realize it so he'll start fussing soon. I love this guy. I love him so much. And I do appreciate his babyness and I am trying to soak it all in because I know we will never be in this place again. But at the same time, I really look forward to him getting older and sleeping better and being able to interact with me more. I look forward to seeing his personality emerge more and more. Will he be a clown like Devin, always wanting to entertain and charm? Or will he be more serious, thoughtful, and analytical like Ethan? Or maybe he'll just be his own person and that will be fine too.

So today I am thirty-one years old. And Garrett has officially left the newborn stage and crossed into the young infant stage. I can start exercising again, which is great because I have these fifty pounds that are hanging around and I am excited to shed them. And the good thing about never having a baby again is that I will never gain the pregnancy pounds again. I will shed it and never see it again...ever. That truly brings tears to my eyes!

Just for fun and for posterity, so they can see what I was like when I was this old, here are thirty-one things that I love.

1. The smell right after it rains.

2. Warm pavement beneath my feet.

3. The sound my kids make as they congregate together planning a surprise for me.

4. The feel of my baby's skin against my own.

5. The way my husband's top lip protrudes out just a tiny bit above his bottom lip.

6. Painting a room...and then admiring the freshly painted walls.

7. Using my hands and feeling useful.

8. A brand new pair of socks, fresh out of the package.

9. A beautiful table setting, complete with place cards.

10. White Christmas lights on a real Christmas tree.

11. Family vacations with my husband and kids.

12. Sunflowers.

13. My husband's morning voice.

14. Meeting my new baby for the first time.

15. Playing the piano.

16. Home grilled hamburgers.

17. Citronella.

18. New fallen snow.

19. Chronicling, journaling, documenting, and photographing.

20. Standing in the greeting card aisle, agonizing over the perfect card for someone, often times getting teary eyed as I do so.

21. My green eyes and freckles.

22. Painting my toenails.

23. When my children tell me something and I know that what I've taught them is being absorbed.

24. Mowing the lawn.

25. Texas wildflowers in the spring.

26. When the weather starts to turn chilly in the fall.

28. Apple pie and vanilla ice cream.

29. Knowing that no matter what happens, I am tied to my family forever.

30. My Savior, Jesus Christ.

31. My life.

1 comment:

Meghann said...

I think the difficulties you had at the end of your pregnancy and with his birth probably helped you move on, lol!

I do understand about feeling like your family is complete. I've heard people saying that. I wish I felt that myself!

Garrett is adorable, and your family is awesome. Good job, mama!